We in the Pond find many ways to invigorate ourselves.
Leaping from one clean, shiny stone to another clean, shiny stone, for example.
Which is why we are always wary when we hear the air is being polluted by a little scandal.
We understand the sharp intake of breath, vicodin and nitrous oxide in many parts of the Republican movement at the scurrilous allegations leveled in the direction of the extremely upstanding John McCain.
In case you have spent the last few hours being measured for your own embalming, may I be the first to tell you that Republican Presidential candidate, John McCain, has been accused of having sexual relations with, of all beings, a lobbyist.
Some might describe this as the equivalent of Jesus going for a beer with the merchants he drove from the temple.
But it is clearly worse than that.
Despite the terrible lies told about the man who single-handedly brought heroism to millinery, Jack Abramoff, Republicans do not indulge in dirty dealings, whether financial or sexual.
But to mix the two, well, this would be something that only an eleventh Commandment could sufficiently address.
Yet here stands Mr. McCain accused of giving a woman called Vicki a hickey.
And then, perish my soul, of favoring the telecom companies on behalf of which she sold her talents.
This cannot be true. Republicans are deep-thinking, moral people who live to serve and fornicate to procreate.
At least that was my position until I discovered facts that are, at least in the cesspit that is my home and my mind, even more devastating.
Janet Huckabee, wife of Mike, the man whose only script is scripture, spent the night in a den of iniquity.
The wife of the only other Republican candidate left standing, chose not only to go to Vegas to see one of her friends participate in a fight, but she lay her head on a surgically-enhanced pillow at the Hooters Hotel.
How is it possible that the traditional values on whose pure waves the Republican Party was swept to power over these last eight years could be suddenly subject to such hideous assault?
As Janet’s engaging and righteous husband himself has said, there are always threats lurking. Especially to the everlasting sanctity of marriage:
“I think the radical view is to say that we’re going to change the definition of marriage so that it can mean two men, two women, a man and three women, a man and a child, a man and animal.”
If those who live to set an example to us lesser beings behave like aces of the debased, what hope is there for true values?
In his book “What’s the Matter with Kansas?” Thomas Frank explained how a state once known for radical thinking turned its back on the liberal infection of the mind and embraced fundamental traditional values.
Which is why recent events in East Clark, Kansas suggest that the radical view the Hooters-inhabiting Mrs. Huckabee’s husband has warned us about has gained an unassailable grip.
A woman in East Clark heard someone breaking into her garage.
On entering, she found a 20-year-old man entering her 4-year-old rottweiler.
For those fond of detail, it was a female rottweiler.
But Kansas is Republican country.
And the point here is surely that the Republican Party has averted its eyes from the poisoned apple proffered by Satan’s liberal army and begun to swallow it whole.
This 20-year-old man had defiled a dog before. And the fine had been $353. Yes, one night at the Hooters Hotel during New Year’s.
Worse, according to Jennifer Campbell, director of communications for the Kansas Humane Society, people who choose to have sex with animals may really be attempting to express a grievance against the animal’s owners.
What perverted influences are taking over our society? Just when we thought we had re-established a moral order, people in the Republican heartlands are having sex with rottweilers.
However, let us try to be charitable for a moment.
Could it be that this man purposely singled out rottweilers? Could it be that he had some twisted attraction to animals with a peculiar innate determination, animals who will stop at nothing to impose their influence over others?
There are those who would suggest that lobbyists are the rottweilers of the political world.
I, of course, would not be one of them.
The Pond thanks James Hickman for his animal instincts.
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