The following letter, sent by Hillary Clinton to Barack Obama earlier today, was released by the Obama Campaign in the last hour. It has been released without any comment from the Illinois Senator:
Dear Barack,
I thought it best that I should write you and explain why today, March 3rd, would be a good time to bow out of the Presidential race.
For you to bow out, that is.
You see, luck is like hope.
Sooner or later, it runs out.
For the last six months, you have enjoyed your luck, my luck and the luck of a thousand Irish midgets (I know the word for them, but my typewriter doesn’t have one of those spellcheck things).
You are slicker than the detritus of the Exxon Valdez, I’ll give you that. (And I fought for 35 years to get our Government to do something about that spill.)
But how much longer do you really think you can get away with it?
America will see right through you. America sees through everyone in the end.
You have no substance, save for what I detect is a little hairspray on your incredibly undersized curly head.
You are no more ready to be President on Day One than my hometown Knicks and Cubs are ready to take their respective World Championships in baseball and football.
You’re not a crook, a Muslim, a fraud, a womanizer, a drunk, a pimp, an embezzler or a terrorist.
As far as I know.
But, and I have said this before, America has so many opportunities to be an even greater country than it is today.
I don’t want to see us lose those opportunities.
Almost as much as I don’t want to see you lead this country to any kind of greatness at all.
You present yourself as a compassionate man. You have spirited away my great friend, Oprah, for God’s sake, with your hip-jiggling and the ghetto patter you must have learned during recess from Harvard.
So can’t you show a little of that compassion, do your duty and just back off?
I have spent 35 years trying to prove to a white guy that he’s not half the man he thought he was. Because I and everyone else in possession of a Washington-sized brain knew I was more than half of him.
Why do I have to prove the same thing to a black guy too?
Why do you guys always think you have a penis bigger than the Eiffel Tower when just a cursory look in the mirror will tell you that your Eiffel wouldn’t fill the eye of a goldfish?
America is ready to confront the suffering of the last years.
And no one has suffered more than I have.
Not Britney. Not Sally Field. Not even John McCain (I have a feeling there really was a Hilton in Hanoi. They probably gave him the Presidential Suite).
I have sacrificed my life so that I could become famous.
On behalf of my country, naturally.
At each intellectual leap that I have encouraged the nation to make, I have been thwarted by the monstrous ego of a self-regarding man whom, it so happened, a disproportionately delusional number of women (and, God, I suppose men) wanted to sleep with.
And you know what happens when people think with their groins.
Well, of course, you do. You like NBA basketball.
Now you come along, all looks and anorexia (how can you NOT put on weight when all you’re given is hotel food, plane food and that disgusting offal they eat in the South?) and the nation swoons like you’re the black Elvis.
Some people have suggested that I am resentful.
I resent that.
I am simply the rightful heir to this throne. Everyone knows that.
Not allowing me to take my rightful place will set humanity back a thousand years. A thousand and thirty-five years.
Please think about that as you get up this morning and try to fill the eyes of the nation with your hype-filled hope, your hope-filled hype, your cool, glib exterior that quite clearly hides not an ounce of anything other than a naked, grasping desire for power.
My campaign team will be happy to help you with your resignation speech. As you know, we have great parodic abilities and are veterans of Saturday Night Live.
Sincerely,
Hillary.
The Pond would like to thank Representative Aturkus for his vision thing
1 Comment
March 11, 2008 at 5:57 am
I can totally see her writing this…if not thinking it.
Good times:)
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