Jeff Archuleta, father of American Idol barely-of-age heartthrob David, has spoken out to this scribe of legendary prescience about his alleged banishment from the rehearsal process of American Idol:
“I would like to make it clear that I am sick and tired of trial by media. The latest stories that have come out from sites such as tmz.com, are warped and serve only to show how our country has sunk to levels of extreme Godlessness.
My son is his own boy. And when he isn’t, I take away his Speed Racer books, his Christian video games (like Grand Give Back Auto) and the oversize shoes that I buy for him so that they still fit when he has made a lot of money.
I am not a stage dad. What does that mean anyway? I don’t charge around the stage telling him what to do. I occasionally offer suggestions from the front row of the orchestra.
So call me an Orchestra Dad if you have to.
But I don’t actually orchestrate anything. I’m just the cheerleader. I simply don’t look great in a short skirt. And the Church frowns on that sort of thing anyway. Well, if you get caught, that is.
Alright, some jealous producer on Star Search said some bad things about me. But he didn’t have an 11-year-old who could sing, did he? It changes you, it really does. You don’t think it’s going to, but it does. You don’t look at the world the same way. And the world definitely doesn’t look the same way at you. It’s a lot of pressure.
I was there protecting my son from the mammoth effects winning 100,000 units of mammon might have had on him. Thanks to me, he didn’t feel a thing.
I am there at all times to protect my son from all those who seek to make a profit from his amazing talent.
Talent that I have helped him nurture, develop and enjoy without ever, ever asking him for as little as 10%.
You don’t know me. None of you out there know me. You make me out to be some kind of cross between Don King and the father of the Jackson Five.
They were both black, people. They were both taller than me. And they never, ever wore a flat cap like mine…can you imagine Don King in a cap?.. No one ever wears a flat cap like mine. It’s my little branding device. It says ‘I’m a normal Dad of a normal kid, so just treat me normal or I’ll get mad at you, OK?’
And another thing, why have all of these media people started asking questions about why David’s Mom is never seen in the Idol audience? What right do they have to tell a woman when she should leave the house?
We have a saying back home: “What happens in Utah doesn’t necessarily happen anywhere else and we don’t give a crap what you think about it, so just shut your face and go back to your God-forsaken hole in the ground somewhere other than Utah because you’re going to Hell anyway. Unless you live in Missouri. Then you might have a chance.”
It’s a long saying, but we all remember it very well.
Words are important. That’s why David really cares about the words he is singing. And that’s why if we decide there are better words for a song, we are going to sing them. Well, I hum them to myself, actually.
As if American Idol can’t afford a few more royalties. My son is the ONLY reason people are still watching. You think they tune in to watch David Cook?
My son is being paid $1900 a week to sing and sell Ford cars while dressing up like a Spanish animal-killer.
And, incidentally, I was NOT happy with the colors they chose for him…they suggested all the wrong things. I fought like crazy against that…well, quietly crazy. You’re telling me they couldn’t afford a few bucks to pay Sean Kingston? Whoever he is.
Ask yourselves who are the stage dads here. Me or the producers who are also going to earn a fortune by making sure my son wins the whole thing?
I have had to put up with my son being called autistic and gay by cowards on Idol forums. I have had to put up with being called a failed musician, a tyrant and an all-around weirdo.
Is this the price I have to pay for wanting my son to be incredibly famous ever since he grew his first kneecap hair?
You should all be ashamed of yourselves.
But if you’re looking for someone to help your music career, I’m thinking of setting up a management company, one that treats people decently.
I’m already talking to Constantine Maroulis and Paris Bennett.
They just haven’t talked back yet. They will. Everyone loves a winner. Everyone. And you can quote me on that.”
The Pond thanks wotnxt for fully evoking La Ira Del Dios. (The Anger of God, for all those non-Spanish speakers in Utah.)
46 Comments
May 11, 2008 at 8:39 am
I don’t think people should critize David’s Dad he David dad is happy for his son. It appears David is shy but he is deffinitly coming out of his shell. If his dad didn’t give him encouragement we would have never known how good he is. I understand I have a daughter whom is just like David and loves to sing. My other daughter loves the other David so the American people of American Idol deffinitly have a tough decission to make. Can wait for next season. David dad don’t let gossip get to you. Let it role off your back be strong. God bless
May 11, 2008 at 3:44 pm
Happy Mother’s Day, Pond. Even tho you’re not, in fact, a Mother, I’m sure you’ve been called one a time or two.
Have no time to rant on and on as I usually do, but I just wanted to let you know that I heard David’s father is now writing a book entitled “How to Pimp Your Kid”. A must read for all the parents out there whose children are just sitting around the house doing homework, riding their bikes, playing video games, etc., when they could be out earning millions for their parents. I’m off to Barnes & Noble to place my copy on reserve right now - even before I go to Mother’s Day brunch!
May 11, 2008 at 4:20 pm
Hello, Amanda,
Thank you for writing. Yes, people have been mean criticizing David’s dad.
However, doesn’t it make you wonder why?
Just a little?
A little?
I mean would any loving, level-headed parent really stand on stage with his son, as little Jeff did in Utah this weekend, and enjoy being introduced as “The Archuletas”, as if they were a band?
A loving parent would surely stay in the background, no?
May 11, 2008 at 4:22 pm
Judy,
And a happy Mother’s Day to you. How many kids is it now?
And still not wearing Spanx, huh? Very well done. I am proud of you.
Jeff Archuleta would be proud of you too.
If you met him at rehearsals. I am sure of that.
Will you be sending your kids to the stage too?
Happy book buying. And where will brunch be?
May 11, 2008 at 4:24 pm
What’s your fixation with AI? This show reeks of commercialism and abominable boredom, not to mention, it’s a cornucopia of fugs. Come join the Survivor bandwagon, this season is proving to be an exceptional answer to that twat book “He’s Just Not Into You” or whatever it’s called.
May 11, 2008 at 4:28 pm
Lea,
Thank you for caring.
I don’t really know what is happening to me with this awful show.
I admit I have never, ever watched Survivor. When is it on? It’s CBS, isn’t it?
Please tell me where I should go to learn something more before becoming wise about it.
Does anyone actually watch Survivor any more?
You are very kind to spend a little time at the Pond and to demonstrate some caring for us.
I will not forget this.
May 11, 2008 at 4:43 pm
Did Jeff Archuletta really say these things or did someone make this up?
I understand he wants to help his son live out his dream. Every sane parent wants that! I understand he wants to protect David. No, people don’t know him; and the bashing is unfair. I’ll agree with this.
However, if he really spoke out and made these statements, I personally find him even more offensive than the media has made him out to be! (I’m not talking about the ruthless internet bashers who are not even worth mentioning!)
HE JUST INSULTED THE OTHER CONTESTANTS!!!!!!!! They are innocent bystanders who want the same thing that he and David want. Saying that his son is the only reason anyone is watching the show shows he does not have any class!!!!!!! Maybe he can take some ediquette lessons from his own son, David Cook, and Syesha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I personally watch the show for an escape and for entertainent. I feel that I’m pretty objective about it. David Cook does happen to be my favorite because I like his style the most. He is the one I would pay to see perform and I’d buy his CDs. I really like Syesha a lot too. She really can sing and I’d almost like to see her win because I keep hearing that she can’t. I really enjoyed David A.’s “Stand By Me” performance. But the week before I did not enjoy his performances at all. I kept expecting more, especially with “America” because it is one of my favorite songs. I think David Archuletta can sing and he is obviously a good kid. He does find a way to entertain me sometimes. I just happen to find Cook to be more entertaining.
Finally, it is not Jeff Archuletta’s say of who goes to Hell.
May 11, 2008 at 4:56 pm
By the way I live in Missouri and hope I do have a chance of getting into Heaven! Good luck to David A. anyway. It obvious that he is a good person.
May 11, 2008 at 5:04 pm
Wendy,
I feel very confident you will get to heaven. You are a good and loving soul.
You are also obviously new to the Pond. So I should feel duty-bound to point out that we deal in a slightly different form of communication that, you know, those dull news and knicker-wetting fan sites.
We seek the truth as Jesus did, through a mixture of parables and sermons from the Mount.
(Although we don’t actually like olives.)
I agree with you that David A is most probably a very good person.
However, I think he’s also a very, very troubled person too.
But, hey, aren’t we all?
May 11, 2008 at 5:15 pm
It is not fair to the other contestants to vote for David A. because he is cute!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I think Daivd C. and Syesha are better !!! I am 9 and I like David Cook!!!!!!!!! (Mom moderated this.)
May 11, 2008 at 5:24 pm
I live in the show me state too. Daivd A is good too.
May 11, 2008 at 5:25 pm
Gabe,
Hello. What a clever Mom you have- a Mom that lets you reply to a site like the Pond.
I am very happy that you point out that a lot of people vote for Little David because he’s cute.
Please believe me, cute only gets you so far. Ask Pamela Anderson.
I hope you do something nice for your fabulous Mom for Mother’s Day.
May 11, 2008 at 5:31 pm
thespine11,
Thank you.
That was very of nice of you! And I think you’re right. We’re all troubled in our own ways and I guess that makes us human. Have a good day. 
May 11, 2008 at 5:43 pm
thespine11,
thank you and who is Pamela Anderson?lol my mom told me to put lol. I’ve never seen Baywatch.
May 11, 2008 at 6:06 pm
I feel bad for David Archuletta, after reading this, his father sounds like a controlling, judgmental person.
I’m glad he was banned from backstage.
May 11, 2008 at 6:08 pm
It is sad that many people can not see that David Archuleta has a father who is abusing him (this is based on a number of reports from various sources, not just AI). Anyone can see the sadness in David’s eyes, and this plus how he cowers behind the other contestants while in a group, is really indicative of some fear. At 17, we all want to believe our parents have the best interest in us, but we all know there are parents who push their children in such a way as to harm them. David is an amazing talent, a natural talent and I do believe his father needs to be investigated. His comments of retaliation are very indicative of an individual who is a personality disordered, blaming everyone else but never taking any responsibility for his own actions: It is always someone else at fault.
I feel for young David and hope he gets the support and guidance he appears to need. Even with a great talent the future, if all we have been hearing about the father (a woman’s place is in the home?) and his behavior on other shows a future relationship between this man and his son as his son matures doesn’t look promising.
May 11, 2008 at 6:11 pm
It is very sad that considering all the reports relative to David Archuleta’s father indicate an abusive parent. I don’t think he is a stage dad. If one reads his comments it is clear that there possibly be some character disorder involved.
Young David is an extremely talented person and the saddnes in his eyes are not just indicative of a person who is shy, there are other indicators of something going on beyond shyness. I beleive an investigation should be launched into abuse.
May 11, 2008 at 6:19 pm
Hello, Watching for David Cook and George G,
Um, let’s not get TOO excited.
This is only American Idol. And the only reason we get excited about all of this is because these folks stick their necks out and want to be famous.
May I refer you to my reply to Wendy?
This is NOT a news site. This is a site of parables, sermons and, well, I guess the word that sums it up would be HUMOR.
Yes, humor.
Humor, people. Humor.
Or, as some would describe it, satire.
Did you see Amy Pohler doing Hillary Clinton last night on SNL and claiming one of her great strengths is that her supporters are all racists?
This is a little like that.
And, in fact, should we be all that critical of Mr. Archuleta when there are all those producers handcuffing these artists so that they can make as much money out of Little David as they can while they can? Everyone’s a winner here. And no one is. They are ALL part of the game.
May 11, 2008 at 6:20 pm
Gabe,
You haven’t missed anything by missing Baywatch.
Your Mom sounds really, really cool.
May 11, 2008 at 6:33 pm
Thank you, you are relly nice!!
May 12, 2008 at 12:44 am
Stage parents…the eleventh plague!
May 12, 2008 at 2:24 am
I wouln’t have much of an opinion one way or the other about David’s dad until he said, “Do you think people tune in to see David Cook?” Guess what I prefer David Cook. But no matter, that is an arrogant thing to say. The old man should take some humility lessons from his son.
May 12, 2008 at 3:27 am
Leda,
Welcome.
But, um, please look at the rest of this site.
This is not a news site.
This is, um, well, a slightly on the satirical side of news site.
So, well, the word ‘prescient’ kind of gives it away…
But I am glad you prefer David Cook.
Because I want you to be happy.
May 12, 2008 at 5:24 am
Hey Jeff, your one dimensional offspring can’t form a thought on his own thanks to you. He doesn’t have the talent to shine David Cooks guitar. Tell ya what, tough guy, here’s my e-mail address, drop me a line and let me know where I can write you directly and tell you what boring little turd your raising… Then maybe we can meet and I can tell you what a useless bag of crap you are too… exmariner62@yahoo.com… I am waiting!
May 12, 2008 at 6:08 am
Oho boyo, you have stirred up the proverbial hornet’s nest now, haven’t you? Heh heh. BTW I like olives.
3 kids
Love spanks
Gaylord Texas Riverwalk Cafe for a spectacular brunch, including, to name just a few attractions, Mariachi band, gigantic chocolate fountain fondue site for the kiddies, and giant Margaritas for the grown ups so that we can actually deal with 3 kids, the Mariachi band and the fondu extravaganza
Tho two of the kids are musical and take a varitey of lessons, they will go pro over my cold, dead, Spanks wearing body. The only person allowed to judge and make snarky comments about these kids is mama.
We will have to break up again if you begin to watch that tired old Survivor show. It’s like wrestling, meant only for males between 12 & 18.
Instead, may I suggest: Masterpiece on PBS? Cranford is a wonder of understated English non drama. And it’s got Judy Dench too. I understand if you decline, however, as my husband said after watching part one, “I’d rather be pecked to death by ducks than watch another episode of Cranford”.
Don’t forget to watch Jason Castro on Regis and Kelly tomorrow (Monday). Hey, I said I was thru with American Idol - I said nothing about being thru with the lovely Jason. And, the more interviews he gives the lovlier he becomes. Ok, I’m off, go see what you can stir up for tomorrow.
May 12, 2008 at 6:22 am
Roxtar, Roxtar,
Um, please see all of the comments above.
Perhaps you’re right that Little David is a little dull.
But should you really waste your time with other people’s daddies?
I mean, please concentrate on your rocker’s chances.
This is a humor site. We don’t square up to people here.
We, well, we skewer them with our outrageous wit.
Ask JudyC. She’ll tell you. She has children too.
May 12, 2008 at 6:29 am
JudyC,
Please help me. You know why I exist.
And it seemed obvious to me that when I described the Christian video game Grand Give Back Auto everyone would realize I was being funny.
Yet this does not appear to be the case.
Please elucidate for me. What are people missing?
I thought my piece was a rather well-judged disquisition on how they are all in it for the dosh and that there really are no moral winners here at all.
And, as usual, on the Idol crap in general.
Yet not everyone sees it like that. What must I explain to them before they see the light?
You are a churchgoer, so, pray, have mercy on this confused soul’s dilemma.
I am so glad you had a lovely day.
I used to live down the road from Judi Dench in London. Sting used to live across the road too.
Do you make snarky comments about your children?
What do they say back?
Jason on Regis And Kelly? Do I look like a Regis and Kelly viewer to you?
May 12, 2008 at 2:06 pm
I’ve haven’t watched a single episode of American Idol in several years. But I think I might this week. Just to vote against the dad.
May 12, 2008 at 2:13 pm
Its sad to read about Jeff.
Davida does not deserves to go thru these - he is focusing hard on A.I. but its just too much attack on his family, Jeff. How could he win? How could he be great and successful if Jeff is all the time controlling everything he does! I am so sad. I hope Davida is my son, I will encourage him to be himself and excel according to his passion and capability. No point point pressure on him! Poor Davida
May 12, 2008 at 2:34 pm
Barry, Asia,
Hello. And Whoa there.
See the comments above.
This is just satire. About the whole show.
Please let’s not take it too seriously.
It would be sad if David A really does have a controlling father.
But the only evidence we have is everything that the producers of Star Search and Idol have leaked out.
Oh, and Naomi Judd.
And, er, that sad look in David’s eyes.
And the words of Little David’s alleged arranger to People magazine: “Jeff’s involved. He’s intense. Sometimes people don’t like that.”
Indeed.
But we are here to laugh, not raise arms in ire.
So, please, laugh. It stops you from taking things too seriously.
May 12, 2008 at 3:08 pm
Loved, loved, loved the satire. I laughed so hard! Best thing I’ve read in weeks.
I feel sorry for David A if his father is as bad as the news media is reporting.
Keep up the funny stuff and maybe people will stop taking this so seriously.
May 12, 2008 at 3:21 pm
Kathy,
Am I glad to see you. Welcome. Come in. Can I get you a drink?
In fact, is there anything I can do to make your day better as you have made mine?
I was beginning to be concerned that people really would be shopping for Christian video games likes Grand Give Back Auto. (although, hey, it’s a concept, isn’t it?)
And that they’d be asking me for links where they could buy them.
I hope that wherever you are, you will find things to laugh about today and that we will be seeing you in Pond again very soon.
Thank you again.
May 12, 2008 at 4:42 pm
Heh heh, told ya to get out while you still could, but noooooo. These folks are used to Rickey and his ilk who only take liberties with one word quotes in little balloons over the Idol’s heads rather than entire fantasy interviews. Maybe that’s what you need for the crowd: insert the word “fantasy” in your headline. Just seven little letters that could keep some of the more rabid fans at bay, think of it as literary garlic,.
Personally, I thought it was hilarious (Grand Give Back Auto indeed ) and “spot on” - Jeff Archuleta is obviously trying to micro manage his asset. Before it is all said and done AI producers will have additional contracts for parents of under age contestants to sign which will contain the “Jeff Archuleta” clause.
Since I am no longer interested in all the shenanigans at AI, following is what I got from your latest “song choice” thread (other than a giggle): Scones! Mmmmm! British Emporium in Grapevine has the loveliest scones with clotted cream and fruit. I eat there occasionally with my sad Welsh pals and a few happy Englishmen. To whom I can now say on our next visit, “I know of someone who used to live across the yoo-hoo from Judi Dench”.
Not sure what a Regis viewer, nor for that matter what you look like so I can’t really say. But I taped it and will view ONLY the Jason segment, I promise, under fear of having to gouge my eyes out. And now that I’m imagining what Regis’s viewers might look like, I’m wondering how to gouge my mind’s eyes out.
My children have their own snarky vocabulary which they apply liberally when chatting with old mom. And, did I not tell you to stop “hunting” me on the web?? My various personae are feeling abused. But, I did in fact go to Mass yesterday but forgot, what with all my supplications for world peace, cures for cancer and aids, to pray for you - will do so next Sunday.
May 12, 2008 at 6:36 pm
Great article, keep up the awesome updates!
May 12, 2008 at 6:43 pm
Judy,
The mere thought of being prayed for by someone as saintly as yourself has brought a tear to my eye.
Unless it’s allergies, of course.
But I don’t think it is.
I really couldn’t insert the word ‘fantasy’. I thought the word ‘prescient’ would be enough.
Yet again, I was wrong.
Now if only you had taken up a career as an agent, think of how you would have directed my career.
I would truly be a star in the firmament.
I can just see you in ‘Entourage’ cutting Ari Gold down to minuscule size. With all the effort it takes to breathe through a single nostril.
And I know you would have directed my career with sensitivity, never once trying to steal the limelight.
Simply because you have such a happy life that you don’t need to.
Do please let me know what Jason had to say. I regret to say my TIVO did not select this program today.
May 12, 2008 at 7:18 pm
PB,
I am afraid Judy is right, you have stirred up a big hornets nest. My, my and you thought it was only Jason fans that took you seriously. I think its the big frog eyes at the top of the page that puts you in the same category as say, Barbara Walters or Dan Rather. The glaring eyes and your well written critiques confuse people and they just don’t know what to make of you. I am curious…who is your favorite on AI? Oh I remember now! It was Amanda and Danny Noreiga! No wonder you have such a chip on your shoulder. You’re not over their departures yet. Have you gotten any new decals for your Harley?
So what did you think of Jason on Regis & Kelly and Ellen? Did you have enough space on TIVO to catch them all? I knew you were really looking forward to the interviews. Well, of course I’ve already seen both and have to say, JC did well, but you didn’t miss much. These people asked the same questions that he already answered 100 times last Thursday. No, he did not say “don’t vote” and no he is not going to cut his hair or change the style anytime soon. So there you have it.
Now, come tomorrow, don’t get too depressed that you won’t get to see Jason. There is always You Tube.
Must go
May 12, 2008 at 8:29 pm
Dashing,
So lovely to hear from you.
You are so very right about the frog’s eyes. they do make me seem authoritative, don’t they?
Have I ever actually LIKED anyone on AI? I remember liking Kelly Clarkson when she did some Dolly Parton song.
I am afraid I missed Jason on Regis and Kelly.
It appears I missed nothing.
Is there joy in your world? How will cope without the Dreadbedhead?
Will you still watch? And jeer?
May 12, 2008 at 11:35 pm
Oh, and Dashing and Judy,
Could you pop over to the latest song choices piece and have a chat with Anne?
Her knickers seem a little twisted.
Actually, I’m not entirely sure those are her knickers.
Love you lots.
May 12, 2008 at 11:59 pm
[...] Breaking American Idol News. David Archuleta’s Dad Speaks Out. Jeff Archuleta, father of American Idol barely-of-age heartthrob David, has spoken out to this scribe of legendary [...] [...]
May 13, 2008 at 12:21 am
Dang… All my ugly words and only one response… I am pretty sure Danny and David A. were roomates which really explains a lot. Who do you think was on top???
May 13, 2008 at 1:25 am
Roxtar,
The online communication business is a very, very tough one.
Ugly words might not be the best option.
One has to appeal to a certain side of the target human.
Perhaps you could be a little more wily?
I said wily.
May 13, 2008 at 4:32 am
THIS IS FAKE PEOPLE MY GOD!
May 13, 2008 at 4:43 am
Amy,
Hello. Welcome. Where did you come from?
I am distressed that you regard this site as fake.
I would prefer you to think of it as an exalted work of art.
Taking as its subject matter something that is perhaps not deserving of the word ‘art.’
May 15, 2008 at 3:28 am
When you have to explain satire, it ain’t no good. Try again. I’ll be grading next time.
May 15, 2008 at 3:47 am
Oh, Stella.
Hello. That is certainly one way of looking at it.
Another is that there are a lot of rather uncultured, unaware folk out there.
Of course I have no idea which of these may be the correct interpretation.
However, I can tell you that my explanations are an act of hope not of elucidation.
But I will make achieving one of your passing grades the goal of my life’s work.
July 1, 2008 at 8:51 am
[...] Pond Culture [...]
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