I was fascinated to the point of sedentariness by the news that the bidding war for exclusive photographs of Brad and Angelina’s emerging children has reached the cost of some actual wars.
Those that claim to know claim that only People and OK Magazines are left standing.
Which, perhaps, reveals the lack of imagination that is so hurting the New York Times.
However, it is the details of the negotiations that are occupying my mind today.
I have little doubt that the great stars themselves are not intimately involved with every minute element.
So I imagine their lawyers are at this very moment polishing their codicils.
I am told these are some of the clauses that might have been considered:
1. Messrs. Pitt and Jolie reserve the right to withhold any or all pictures if the children bear even the slightest resemblance to Suri Cruise, The Imminent Alba or Britney Spears.
2. Messrs. Pitt and Jolie reserve the right to tattoo one or both of their children before any images are released. Tattoos may or may not include images or words suggesting connubial bliss, former lovers, acting heroes, deceased social figures, Christian or Satanistic characters or famous architects.
3. Messrs. Pitt and Jolie reserve the right to disinfect the photographer, his equipment, his plane, his crew and his clothing. They also reserve the right to perform separate acts of endorsement on behalf of their chosen disinfectant.
4. Messrs. Pitt and Jolie reserve the right to change the location of the shoot. They also reserve the right to consult astrologers, Hollywood set designers, psychologists, rune-readers and African politicians as to the date, time and location of the shoot.
5. Messrs. Pitt and Jolie reserve the right to insert contact lenses of any color onto their children’s eyes in order to secure them privacy in the days and weeks subsequent to the shoot.
6. Messrs. Pitt and Jolie reserve the right to dress their children, depending on their sex, in Lara Croft outfits, traditional Bedouin garb, Trojan warrior clothing or t-shirts representing various social causes.
7. Messrs. Pitt and Jolie reserve the right to have Mr. Pitt take all of the photographs for the whole issue of the magazine in which photographs of his and Ms. Jolie’s children appear. These include photos of Danny Bonaduce and any or all accused murderers, drug addicts or mothers of fifteen children.
8. Messrs. Pitt and Jolie reserve the right to demand that the chosen magazine pays for the children’s makeup, manicure and pedicure services for life. Should the magazine be bankrupt when the children are still alive, a trust fund will have already been set up for said cosmetic purposes.
9. Messrs. Pitt and Joile reserve the right to write all headlines and design all layouts in which their children’s images appear.
10. People (or OK) magazine reserve the right to not feature the children if one (or both) is (or are) born with anything that the magazine’s editors consider a deformity. A basic definition of deformity for the purposes of this contract is “visually distasteful imperfection, disfiguring moles, birthmarks of a disturbing nature, overly sized extremities not befitting a child, excessive facial hair, mongolism, resemblance to Carrot Top or Kirstie Alley.”
The Pond thanks clearly ambiguous, for capturing an incredible baby exclusive.
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