Lindsay Lohan is about to die.

That quintessence of American culture, the Globe (er, that’s not the Shakespeare one..), is often the first to bring us the most important stories. Stories that will influence the way that we will plan our lives. The American weekend begins, and sometimes ends, with a detailed perusal of the Globe and its sister in elucidation- the National Enquirer.

This weekend, the Globe gives us the answer that we really need. It is not for the Globe to speculate whether the Utah miners are alive or dead. Of far greater import, of course, is when, precisely, will Lindsay Lohan die. Or Liz Taylor. Or Michael Jackson.

So the Globe turns to Dr. Lillian Glass, one of America’s leading age experts, to toll the death knell of the celebrated. I don’t know what makes Dr. Glass an expert on age. I don’t even know if she is 32 or 92. But I do know that she knows what you and I don’t. The Globe has already revealed that Oprah Winfrey will die in six years time. (what? you didn’t know? shame on you.)

Now Dr. Glass helps us put some useful dates into our already overcrowded calendars.

Lindsay Lohan will, apparently not see her 25th birthday. Probably. Britney Spears will not see her 30th.

Now I don’t know about you, but a world without Lindsay, Britney and Oprah is not one I can even contemplate. But there is more bad news. Michael Jackson only has five years too. Dr. Glass even declares that ” he could be dead tomorrow”. This is startling news that I cannot find anywhere on the front page of the New York Times. Nor even the Wall Street Journal.

However, this being America, Dr. Glass does have some good news. Here is her shortlist of those whose mere presence will keep us alive for at least the next 10 to 20 years:

Angelina Jolie. Hulk Hogan. Nicole Richie. Liz Taylor. Barbra Streisand.

And George W. Bush.

In the case of President, Dr. Glass notes, sagely, that ” he comes from a family with a history of longevity.”

There is a strong rumor circulating is Washington that Dr. Glass may well be nominated as the next Surgeon-General. Or, as the new head at Walter Reed. Or perhaps Duane Reade.

Dr. Glass is the author of the seminal tome ” Toxic People.”

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