Bondage. Why the American justice system should never be without it.

I have spent some of this afternoon with Lisa Marie Novak.

I find her mesmerizing, as did much of the country when it was revealed that she wore a diaper while rushing to be with her one true lover, Commander William Oefelein (pronounced Orfhishead).

If you remember, the Commander found the time to have an alternative lover to Ms. Novak. Which aroused her emotions sufficiently to want to perform some physical alterations to the person of Colleen Shipman. Just to even the playing field, it seems.

At the time, Ms. Novak described her relationship with Cmdr. Oefelein as ” more than a working relationship, but less than a romantic relationship.”

For which Ms. Shipman must have been very grateful, as Ms. Novak certainly looked capable of sourcing nuclear weapons had her emotions strayed in the direction of, well, heavy petting, for example.

Now Ms. Novak is petitioning the authorities to have her ankle bracelet removed. This is not a love memento from the commander. It is from another man Ms. Novak has a less than romantic relationship with- a judge.

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Ms. Novak is being monitored for the good of us all, it seems. Especially those less than romantic two-timers. And their significant one-timers.

In a remarkably cogent deposition, Ms. Novak explains that when the battery fails, a voice booms from her ankle wanting to know what is going on. In order to talk to this voice, Ms. Novak has to raise her ankle towards her mouth so that the nOnstar lady can hear her.

This, she explains is a less than romantic position when one is wafting down the freeway. Even in diapers.

I am here to petition the judges to leave this fetching jewelry where it is.

I once made the unfortunate acquaintance of a man in an ankle bracelet.

He was presented to me as a former racing driver, who had been ordered by the court to wear the bracelet after what his girlfriend described as his “first DUI offense.”

The bracelet monitored alcohol content on his body. He couldn’t even wear cologne.

His ankle bondage was to be 60 days.

On the 61st day he held a party to celebrate his newfound freedom. By the time I arrived at 9 he was wildly drunk. By the time I had decided it was time to leave, around 11, he was nastily drunk.

He pinned me up against the wall demanding that I not leave. I have no idea why he wanted me to stay, as I had a less than romantic relationship with him.

Still, there was only one thing for it. I had to manhandle this inebriated idiot in order to squeeze my way out of the door.

So however much Ms. Novak might protest that she cannot drive with her foot against her mouth, I hope the courts keep her ankle clasped.

In fact, shouldn’t this be a model for our Supreme Court? Anyone who disagrees with Mr. Roberts and his friends should be clasped to the bosom (or any other body part) of justice. There, recalcitrants will have their behavior monitored 24 hours a day, to ensure the stability of the polity.

Perhaps we could get Verizon Wireless and AT&T to sponsor the bracelets.

What do you mean somebody’s probably already thought of that?

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