My tears for Miss Tuscola

As it is September 11, I feel it is my duty to bow my head and report a tragedy.

A tragedy happens every day somewhere in America. And I think I have discovered a story that will make you want to run to church and invest in as many indulgences as your budget will allow.

I want you to clasp hands right now with all the members of your family and pray for the future of Ann Knight.

Today, 18-year-old Ann has just been stripped by members of the Tuscola Chamber of Commerce.

They did it publicly. Ten of them.

With one abstention.

Ann Knight, a freshman at Southern Illinois University, committed no crime. But, according to the ten members of the Chamber, she had besmirched the good name of her title, Miss Tuscola.

She went to a hookah lounge, a place where patrons can smoke ‘flavored tobacco and herbal mixes.’

“Pictures were taken and posted in an unsecured manner,” Miss Knight wrote. “Someone saw fit to provide these pictures to the pageant director and in turn presented to the Chamber of Commerce. Subsequently the chamber determined that my actions were a breach of contract. I fully understand their decision, and I will make full restitution of items I received.”

” This will be a good lesson to other kids,” said Chamber Board Member Devon Flesor Nau.

Unfortunately, Devon Flesor Nau does not state what the good lesson this might be.

‘If you smoke something herbal, you will be stripped’, perhaps?

Or ‘If you live amongst small-minded fascists, they will always be on your tail’?

So I decided to investigate Devon Flesor Nau and see what kind of lessons she had given to the kids of Tuscola.

I found one. Get Fat.

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For Ms. Flesor Nau and her sister decided to buy her grandfather’s candy store. They reopened the store in 2004 and now sell 40 different types of candy.

They even sell something called horehound candy. Which apparently soothes the throat. Of course it does.

In a local news story praising Ms. Flesor Nau to the highest of hilts, I found some truly beautiful words that should make all of the children of Tuscola grow with pride:

” For more than 70 years, the Flesor family sweetened the town with honey-walnut nougat, toffee, caramels and divinity.”

Divinity, yes, divinty. They played God for 70 years and they made the children fat.

If you were Ann Knight wouldn’t you want to put a brick through this sanctimonious woman’s sweet shop window?

Or perhaps you could take your cue from the Australian sport of dwarf-throwing and toss a fat child in there instead.

Perhaps, as you did, you would shout ” How Nau, Fat Cow?”

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