Some hints on dealing with officialdom.

Some phrases live inside you like a parasite after a vacation.

There seems to be nothing you can do about them. You don’t even know they’re there. And you have no idea what damage may be being done to your delicate constitution.

Well, today I am suggesting you dig deep within yourself and select a phrase that has burrowed its way into your being.

Then I want you to interrogate it. Don’t think Marcia Clark. Think Abu Ghraib.

Let me help you with the process.

The phrase I found within me goes something like this: “The Official Incredibly Irrelevant Product of Some Important Organization that Very Probably Has No Use for This Incredibly Irrelevant Product, but is Happy To Take This Product’s Money.”

The Sharp Aquos, for example, is the official television of Major League Baseball. Tropicana is the official juice of the NFL. Buick is the official car of the PGA.

I can just see the friction that must inevitably occur when officials of these organizations discover their families watching games on a Sony, drinking Minute Maid or, shame on them, going to a golf tournament in their Mercedes.

“What are you doing in that disgusting CLK350 Convertible when you could be in a Buick LaCrosse?!!!”

“You’re watching the Raiders on a Sony Vega? Who the hell do you think you are, you sniveling little shit? You’re grounded for the next 10 years!”

Or do they hide their real lives from their friends and neighbors? Do they pawn their own products until the sponsorships change or the head of the household finds another amusing sinecure?

I cannot suggest what methods you should use to expunge your own horrific phrases from your good being.

But the method I have chosen is to confront the issue head on. By creating some officialdom of my own. Which I share with you here, in the knowledge that you will not use it for any commercial purposes:

The Official Coffee of the Association of Sports Agents- Starbucks.

The Official Shoes of Murderers’s Row- Bruno Magli.

The Official Butter of the Democrats in Congress- Challenge (with a pinch of salt).

The Official Hearse of the Funeral Industry- The Toyota Prius.

The Official Designer of the Oil Industry- Bottega Veneta. (Haven’t you noticed how Bottega’s prices are always going up?)


The Official Car of Vertically-Challenged, Manic-Depressive, Self-Haters- The Jaguar X-Series.

The Official Pants of Witness Protection- Dockers.

The Official Cheese of Political Summits- Gorgonzola. (Have you smelled that stuff?)

The Official Board Game of Cable Providers- Monopoly.

The Official Drink of the Christian Right- Red Bull.

You see, this is not a difficult exercise and it could, indeed, create some improvement in your emotional equilibrium.

Please remember, there are all sorts of phrases like these that live inside us and affect us in ways that can sometimes be very damaging indeed.

For example: “And the consensus is…”

Or: “Statistics show….”

Perhaps even: “Have a nice day”, “With all due respect,” or actresses who call themselves “actors.”

I know many feel very strongly about “hunker down” and “breaking news.”

Please feel free to identify your own and share your pain with us here in the Pond.

Your sanity’s future begins here.


1 Comment

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One response to “Some hints on dealing with officialdom.

  1. Dr. Phil

    “Scientific research indicates…”

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