Sex, here in the Pond, whenever one is fortunate enough to encounter it, is always accompanied by some slapping around.
The dank, murky surroundings simply dictate it and the bodies which we have been given do not often permit for lithe, libidinous action.
Of course, in the America that is above ground it has generally been thought that while the populace is comfortable with any amount of violent behavior, it has extreme strictures on the subject of any tickle that happens to come with the slap.
The evidence tends to come from Hollywood, where men seem to keep their trousers on during sex, while appearing to be far more aroused when murdering someone with a pitchfork from grandmamma’s garden.
The closest our nation has come to violent sex was on recent episodes of the pleasantly smutty Showtime series ‘Californication’ when David Duchovny allows himself to be seduced by a girl who turns out to be his ex-lover’s fiance’s 16-year-old daughter (work with me here, it’s television).
The girl, a rather spoilt and cynical high-schooler, takes great pleasure in slapping Mr. Duchovny very hard in the face during their rumping and pumping.
However, I can now report that there have been huge and, possibly, irreversible steps taken in bringing sex and violence together in a marriage that has to be smelled to be believed.
Porn stars have begun wrestling.
I thought long and hard about how to present this horrendous fact, but I decided it was best to just lay it out there and slam it to the Mac.
Footage has emerged of the astoundingly chunky Evan Stone, he of such classics as Sex Pix and Space Nuts, challenging someone called Craig Valentine, also alleged to be a former stud of skinflickery (though I can find no actual evidence of this), to some kind of tag team match for his championship belt.
Evan is heard to utter such NC-17 threats as “that’s not cool.”
Oh, look, if you want to watch this new cultural experience, it’s here: http://www.tmz.com/2007/11/14/porn-and-wrestling-bow-chicka-pow-pow/
But if you don’t (or even if you already have), please let me tell you that I believe we should seriously consider whether this is, indeed, the breakthrough that we have all been waiting for.
America’s most upstanding member, Ron Jeremy, has described this development as “a new form of cuddling.”
He may be right. Perhaps these great pornographic artists might be the true precursors to America’s next direction.
If they prove to be successful in bringing together l’amour with la violence, thereby softening the latter, while making the former more acceptable to the general populace (am I merely referring to the South here? No, not at all.), then this might suggest that Barack Obama’s strange predilection for bringing opposite sides together might be swaying and perhaps even cuddling the majority of the people.
I have further evidence that this seduction of violence by love is not an isolated affair.
Former Worldwide Wrestling Entertainment legend, Gangrel, who is now officially known as The Vampire Warrior, has been signed to the New Porn Order.
Although he will not personally be shaking his rump, he will make his directorial debut with “Miami Shakerz Rump 2”.
This is the first of a 12-movie directing deal.
“I look forward to the many great films that will come from this union,” Gangrel told prowrestling.com.
You see, he is already sounding like a statesman.
Gangrel’s original name was the very populist-sounding David Heath. And he was discharged from Worldwide Wrestling Entertainment earlier this year, as he was unable to lose weight.
A fact that perhaps made one of his signature moves, the side belly to belly suplex, a little asphyxiating for WWE’s insurers.
Of course, I cannot be convinced that the very WWE-sounding Wolf Blitzer will venture to ask any of the Democratic aspirees about their views on this cultural development, one that seeks to turn hard money into soft.
But I am sure that America wants to know whether these candidates believe that iron fisting is the only way to achieve the nation’s approbation.
Evan Stone may be taking the one small step up to the ring that mankind has been waiting for.
The star of Space Nuts might well be showing us the way.
Surely at least Denis Kucinich might be ready to support him.