To survive down here in the muck, you really need to have your wits about you.
We don’t think of it as being courageous. We think of it as the entry fee for staying alive.
But humans do occasionally whisper that it’s a brave thing to be a Pondhabitant.
And then we Pondpersons take a deep breath and consider whether humans have any idea what it is to be truly courageous at all.
For example, whenever we watch your Presidential debates, we wonder who it is that prepares the notes that the candidates keep on the little shelf on their lecterns.
“And Mr Guiliani was seen holding hands with a woman in drag who was not his wife or anyone else’s wife in May of 1979.”
“Mr. Romney can say that, but he is the one who, in March of 1997, declared in a Missouri bar that his faith did not allow him to share a coffee cup with a Muslim who had been to flight school.”
What kind of moral hermaphrodites stoop lower than Luciano Pavarotti’s paunch to find this sort of hurtful, cowardly garbage?
Thank heaven, and I really do mean heaven, we have Pat Robertson.
While politicians of dubious hues throw accusations at each other that they may or may not know are true, Mr. Robertson has always been a beacon of rectitude. A deacon of rectitude.
If Pat says something, you know that this is fact.
He described Scotland as “a dark land overrun by homosexuals”. Just one glance at Rod Stewart tells you that this is unassailable verity.
He said that people who have excessive plastic surgery “got the eyes like they’re Oriental”. Is it therefore any surprise that Nicole Kidman and Michael Douglas have declined to sue him?
And anyone who disbelieves Mr. Robertson’s claim that, thanks to training and an “age-defying energy shake,” he can leg press 2000 pounds (otherwise known as Star Jones) should be waterboarded at the altar in front of a cacophony of raging choirs.
So this week, I want all of you pussyfooters, mustachioed women and other residents of California to repent, change your ways and hearken the words of Pat Robertson.
Yoga is blasphemous.
Yes, it is. Praise be to the Holy One.
Mr. Robertson is very willing to allow us to stretch, because stretching is good for us.
But he has made it very clear that all the disgraceful whiny chanting that goes with yoga stretches makes this scurrilous activity quite clearly against God’s express teachings.
Let us remember this is the man who stood up and said what others would only dare to think: that even though people expect him to be nice to Episcopalians, Presbysterians and Methodists, he was not prepared to do this.
“I don’t have to be nice to the spirit of the AntiChrist,” were his words, apparently.
And he is not prepared to be any nicer to Vishnu and Krishna, who are clearly the objects of every yoga practitioners chanting ululations.
If only we could get Mr. Robertson in on the Presidential debates, all of them, he would be able to show us the righteous way towards the salvation of our civilization.
He would tell us that all the unbelievers should be immolated for their own good as much as ours.
He would turn to Hillary Clinton and scowl at her tolerance of her husband’s infidelity. (Did Monica Lewinsky inhale? We shall never know unless God whispers the truth in Mr. Robertson’s ear.)
He would look at Mitt Romney and equate his Mormonism with the Shamanism of, oh, I don’t know, Prince or James Blunt.
And he would look that abortion-loving, wife-swapping monster Rudy Giuliani in the face and tell him exactly what sort of vermin inhabit his soul.
It seems very odd that Pat Robertson failed in his bid to become the Republican presidential candidate in 1988. Think just how much history would have been altered had he ascended to power.
There would be no wars, only crusades. And Chris Sligh would have won American Idol.
So let us stand, or perhaps kneel, and applaud Mr. Robertson’s courage in saying what needs to be said.
And let us vote not with our minds nor with our hearts but with our souls in electing a candidate who will stand for everything that is right in today’s deeply immoral world.
Yes, Pat Robertson has endorsed Rudy Giuliani.
Wait a minute, isn’t that the same Rudy who’s an abortion-loving etc etc..?
Well, yes, but Pat Robertson has the courage to ignore Rudy Giuliani’s life-changing wife-changing. Because he thinks Mr. Giuliani is the going to be winner.
It takes a brave man to support a winner, you see.
If only we had more of them.