I live in a Pond.
If I did a review of 2007, it would sound something like this:
1. It was no fun when it rained.
2. The salmon still think they’re the upper classes and the rest of us are scum.
3. Uncle Lucius died when he ate what he thought was an interesting new flower and turned out to be a Tampax discarded by a teenage battleaxe.
Therefore please allow me to be your guide to girding yourself for survival in 2008. We PondLivers know a thing or two about survival, so please read very carefully. Your life might depend upon it.
1. LEARN TO FLIP-FLOP.
Here is what I have learned about Benhazir Bhutto since she said “Hello, Maker”: She was a defender of freedom. She was a thousand times more corrupt than the average auto shop. Her life’s work consisted of defending the lot of the poor. She thieved more money than the entire cast of Ocean’s Twelve.
In 2008, nothing will be true and everything will be true. It will be like a first blind date. At every moment, you will have to make snap decisions, ones that you might have to alter within days. Or even minutes. You are who you think you are. Until you stop thinking that. Then you will simply become someone else. This will be very convenient for the chaps at Google, who, despite your constant changes of mind, will still tell everyone that your behavior is 100% predictable.
2. GET AN AGENT.
It doesn’t matter what walk of life you are in. Hold on. Walk of life? That is such a manifestly stupid phrase. As if we all spend our lives ambling through our careers. The simple fact is we spend the majority of our time running through our careers as if our lives depended on them. And, in too many cases, they do.
So 2. DON’T SAY ‘WALK OF LIFE’. SAY ‘RUN OF LIFE’.
3. GET AN AGENT.
Most of us, regardless of the life we are running in, are simply not competent enough to steer our way through its maze. Essentially, we are all athletes trying to win races. Except we have no idea how long the race is, or, indeed, who we are really racing against. So whether you’re a advertising copywriter, a garbage collector or an administrative assistant with a superiority complex, hire someone to do your dirty work for you. It works for Tom Cruise. Sort of. It works for Salman Rushdie. (Has anyone ever tried to work out who sells the highest number of books that never get read? That would be a really meaningful title to have.) It can work for you. It seems to work for everyone but Hillary Swank. Have you see PS I Love You? Er, I’m told it was based on a note her agent sent to her.
4. START YOUR OWN CHURCH.
I’m sorry to be so blunt about this, but has anyone ever lost money on religion? As I walk down the streets of America, I occasionally chat to homeless people. Principally because they will always chat with me. (Not for free, you understand. They have an agent.) They tell me stories of relationships with Zsa Zsa Gabor, of their service to their country in the killing fields of Cambodia and Wyoming, of their failure to become the CEO of a Fortune 500 company. But not once have I ever met a panhandler who reminisced about his days counting the revenue from the collection plate. Is this not worth thinking about? Religion is low overhead and high margin. A growth industry, surely.
5. SLEEP WITH SOMEONE HIGH UP AT GOOGLE.
There are plenty of them in the higher echelons in GoogleWorld. You know who they are. You just Google them. It is highly likely (oh, some would say beyond all statistical significance) that they will respond as would any weak human in the flames of delictitude: they will spill secrets if you talk to them nicely enough and hand them one of those nice fluffy hotel towels. You know they are planning to implant their search engines into every human brain. There’s only one way to make sure you don’t get the search engine that was made on a Friday afternoon…
6. REFORM THE SKIFFLE BAND YOU WERE A MEMBER OF IN 1972.
Biggest grossing concert tours of 2007- The Police, Genesis etc etc. Yes, it would help if your skiffle band was white and English. But right now, nostalgia is the neuralgia of the masses.
7. REFUSE LINDSAY LOHAN’S ADVANCES.
All knowledgeable, all-knowing commentators have declared that Lindsay has given up drugs for sex. Perhaps you were unaware that these two are mutually exclusive. However, I do believe that Ms. Lohan is a woman of under-realized depths. And if you can make your loins become girders when she flashes that winning gurn in your direction, I firmly believe you will have an excellent chance of securing her all-embracing, self-effacing love.
8. MOVE TO THAILAND OR ICELAND.
I have just finished reading a remarkably interesting book called “The Geography of Bliss” by Eric Weiner. Eric is a miserable sod (quite naturally, he works for NPR). So in order to prevent himself taking a Christmas nutcracker to his own skull, he wanders around the world trying to find its happiest place. My conclusion (it’s not his, because he has to play nice with his native America at the end…) is that his research proves beyond all statistical significance that Thailand and Iceland are the two happiest countries on earth. He also proves very convincingly that Moldova is beyond all hope. Ah, but we haven’t sent Brad and Angelina there yet, have we?
9. SELL A GUN.
These days, every writer seems to be saying doom. We are heading for recession. Our houses will be worth no more than our cars. Our spouses will have mind-altering plastic surgery and will leave us for their surgeon, their fitness trainer or Lindsay Lohan. How can we give our economy a boost? How’s about every single gun owner in America sells his gun to someone overseas? We’ll earn hard currency that’s worth a lot more than our dollar. We’ll let them shoot themselves over there so that we don’t have to shoot ourselves over here. And we’ll thin out the world population which will take some pressure off the relentless approaching zombie that is global warming.
10. ACCEPT LINDSAY LOHAN’S ADVANCES.
Yey, you never know how long you’re going to live. (And remember point number 1?)
the photo above was donated by androog.