Exclusive. What Apple will announce tomorrow.

We are very fortunate here in the Pond to have connections at the very highest levels of Apple.

Of course, we cannot possibly reveal the names of the pips whose confidence we keep, but we can confirm that they are as close to the core as Melanie Griffith is to facially-enhancing chemistry.

Which is why we have been quietly chuckling to ourselves at some of the faintly ridiculous notions that have been gurgitated by those who claim to be in the know about what Apple’s David Koresh, Steve Jobs, will announce in some soulless exhibition hall in San Francisco tomorrow.

We have heard about movie rentals through iTunes, ultra thin MacBooks, iPhone updates, even iPod ready movies on DVDs.

Why on earth would Mr. Jobs get up early to announce such mundanity? It would be like Dennis Kucinich getting up early to announce that he had enjoyed dinner with two representatives from the Planet Bonk and that they had assured him a senior position in the coming Bonk Government of Earth.

The fact is that Mr. Jobs has, of late, been feeling a little lackluster with respect to technology.

There are those who claim they saw him only last night, screaming his head off from the courtside seats (actually, while standing on the courtside seats) at Oakland’s Oracle Arena, during a game between the Golden State Warriors and the Indiana Pacers.

“Dunleavy, you’re a Zune!!!” he yelled at Indiana’s whiter-than-white shooting guard, according to one report.

Dunleavy turned towards him, and, in rather worshipful tones, asked:

“Will I be able to get an ultrathin, pink MacBook soon, Sir?”

Mr. Jobs was, I am told, extremely frustrated to encounter yet more unadulterated adulation. Even from those he decries. And even in an arena sponsored by Larry Ellison, when for years it was quite clear they were both desperate to show the world that each had the more cultured beard.

I am able to reveal that, of late, Mr. Jobs has been involved in deep and painful research on the ultimate ramifications of superstardom.

He has spoken not merely to the likes of Bono and Slash, who were only too willing to participate in a farewell video for Mr. Jobs’s lifelong friend, Bill Gates.

Mr. Jobs has located such noble recluses such as Jennifer Lopez, Kimora Lee Simmons and Tara Reid and probed them for advice.

He has also traveled the world in search of guidance from the greats of Bollywood, Pakistani cricket, Russian philanthropy and Nepalese spirituality.


Yet it was only when he met with the PSC, the Socialist Party of Catalunya, that Mr. Jobs finally realized that he could take his own company, and himself, to an entirely new emotional pitch.

The PSC explained to him how they are creating a new dimension to their movement. And, for once, Mr. Jobs decided to adopt the idea for his own company.

In a dry run yesterday, the PSC announced that it was launching a fragrance.

Perhaps you might be wondering what Calatonian Socialism smells like?

Well, it seems to be a melange of Mediterranean herbs and fruits such as Bergamot orange and white tea with base notes from the Orient.

The result? A smell of “confidence, equality, progress and efficiency”.

I can therefore reveal that Mr. Jobs was so moved by this hugely lateral and spiritual expression that he was not put off by one journalist at yesterday’s press conference who declared that PSC fragrance smelled like air freshener and made him feel sick.

Tomorrow, Steve Jobs will be announcing iSmell.

iSmell is a fragrance that has been distilled from molecules of air collected in conference rooms and coffee shops and “other places where iNdividuals have generated iDeas.”


These molecules were then enhanced by the nasal artists in Grasse, France, the world’s perfume capital, to produce a fragrance that “enchants as it rises, seduces as it envelops and caresses as it floats through the ether.”

It is, I am sure, no coincidence that Picasso himself died but a few kilometers down the road from Grasse, in the charming little town of Mougins.

iSmell will not be sold in outlets such as Neiman Marcus and Sephora.

Perish the mere sniff of something so mudane.

Rather, you will be able to download unlimited molecules of iSmell, yes, through your MacBook, iPod and iPhone.

It will not be entirely dissimilar to the gas the Joker used to emit down phone lines in the original Batman.

It will be no different that downloading the latest software to make your iPhoto bigger, deeper and longer.

I know that there have been a couple of unimaginative dissenting pips within the Apple firmament.

But when they see, nay, dare I say it, olfact the enchantment that will rise from the auditorium tomorrow morning, they will sense that we truly are entering a new era in technology.

Some pips have already dubbed it ‘the sweet iSmell of Success.’

Those pips will be clearing their desks by noon tomorrow.

At Apple, there is no room for the obvious.

The Pond thanks Aussiegall and Jack French for their open eyes and shutter fingers.


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