I have barely been able to breathe since I discovered the truth about Tom Cruise.
No, not that he’s a fun-loving Scientologist and possibly even number two pooh-bah amongst the pooh-barmies.
Nor that he may have interviewed other girls before deciding to give the job of Mrs. Cruise to Hollywood’s Mother Teresa, Katie Holmes.
What has shaken me to profundity is the revelation by Cher that she and Tom were once an item.
You may be amongst those who would describe that item as a rose in perfect bloom.
I am amongst those who would describe that item as a meal in a Turkmenistani burger joint.
Cher, she of vast intelligence and exotic looks. And Tom Cruise, he of, er, well, boundless energy, and rather more bounded age and height.
It is at moments like these that I begin to consider what other strange relationships might lurk in the annals of world culture.
One night, as I sat twirling a cabernet in a small hotel bar, a woman enveigled me in conversation. It transpired she was someone important at a famous dating website.
Four cabernets later (for her) and a series of insincere comments (for me) and the information came out that there is another version of that famous site.
I cannot reveal its URL (in my imagination, it is famoushag.com), but what I can tell you is that it is only open to those who are lucky enough to have a public profile. And the right passcode.
Clients pay upwards of $25,000 per year to have access to profiles of the famously unhappy.
I admit that I cannot declare that the following information is 100% accurate, as the website lady had a reaction to cabernet not dissimilar to a Ritalin-avoiding teenager when offered a free Wii.
However, if only 10% of this is true, then the world needs to take a few days off to think.
Apparently, Theodore Kaczynski, the Unabomber, and Calcutta’s Katie Holmes, Mother Teresa had something of a thing for each other. He traveled to India to talk to her about peace and living in unsanitary conditions and she was simply fascinated by what Berkeley must be like.
Paris Hilton apparently made some kind of connection with O.J. Simpson.
This might seem an odd coupling to you. But I am told that Paris was very keen to hear about how one does that elusive something for which people become famous (e.g. playing football, presenting television, bashing people’s skulls). While O.J. wanted to know all about taking care of those little dogs that can fit into your purse.
Heather Mills, she who put the hop into hiphop on Dancing with the Stars, was extremely sweet on Alan Dershowitz.
Initial rumors suggested that Ms. Mills was keen on the 69-year-old lawyer because he is an old man with a lot of money.
But what might Mr. Dershowitz’s interest in Ms. Mills have been? One can only conceive that perhaps, having defended Claus Von Bulow and O.J. Simpson, Mr. Dershowitz is, quite simply, unerringly drawn to those who are unfairly accused of misdeeds.
A footnote to this possible liaison is that Ms. Mills has announced that, in her forthcoming divorce trial against Paul McCartney, she will be defending herself.
I was so bathed in fascination at these indiscreet revelations, that I began to make up, no, to wish for, some secret partnerships of my own.
Wouldn’t it have been wonderful if the notoriously unhappy Paula Abdul had got together with Mitt Romney? Before he married that nice blonde lady, of course. Paula would have surely taught Mr. Romney to, well, move.
While Mr. Romney would have surely given Paula something she has often needed.
No, not credibility.
A first class make-up artist.
And what if Hillary Clinton and Colin Powell had got together? Where would America be right now? He would have never had sex with that woman, or any woman other than Hillary.
She, well, she might have taught him that you don’t always have to do what others tell you to do. And she would have definitely taught him how to cry.
Picking a life-partner, or even a partner who temporarily gives you a little life, is not an easy affair.
Cher said that she and Tom split up when she couldn’t get to Chicago to be with him on the set of The Color of Money.
How the world might have changed if she had got on that plane.
He might never have made Vanilla Sky.
The Pond thanks Lord Khan for his loving lens.