Britain is rejoicing this evening. Then again, Britain is very angry.
Let’s do the rejoicing part first. Although it’s very much tied up with the angry part.
Much like most British relationships.
For the first time since the last time the country was ruled by a rather plain-looking queen, a member of the royal family has gone off to war to kill people from another country.
Prince Harry, who, until now, was famous for getting drunk beyond human consciousness and touching up blondes whose heads were emptier than his beer bottles, has now ascended to the ranks of war hero.
It is as if Courtney Love had suddenly leaped in front of a moving train to save a poodle puppy.
Depending on which story you are most suspicious of, the ginger-haired prince killed at least 4000 Taliban, took out another 15 horses in single-handed combat and flew over Kabul under his own steam in order to chase down more men in strange headgear.
The British are aghast that this news (which, strangely, was known to all of the British newspaper editors and therefore most probably to a number of prostitutes, dominatrixes and schoolboys in and around the center of London) was leaked by the perverted American entity that is the Drudge Report.
How could the Americans have betrayed the British when the latter were amongst the very few who were prepared to send their princes into enema territory?
Don’t they realize that now every Talibanian will be gunning for the regal carrot-top in order to claim a reward of four camels and one night of yashmak-free fornication?
How would America have liked it if the British revealed Madonna’s whereabouts, the name of her fitness trainer or her favorite organic restaurants?
What if the Prince is, indeed, assassinated by a gunman riding his ass?
Who will take responsibility for such a tragedy?
When it comes to assassinating members of the royal family, the British prefer to keep it in the family. At least according to Mohammed Al Fayed, the owner of Harrods and father of Princess Diana’s last paramour, Dodi.
Why would Americans choose to divulge British secrets when the British have been so keen to keep all of America’s?
I am extremely concerned that this will devolve into a major international incident.
I am extremely concerned that some British potentate, perhaps Prince Philip, will decide to reveal closely held American secrets.
Are we about to discover scandals that should never offer themselves for human consumption?
Will we be taken aback when we are told that the Backstreet Boys really did mime their way through many of their live shows?
Will we suddenly be informed that Britney Spears regularly took more drugs than Heath Ledger and survived?
What if some vengeful British apparatchik decides to tell the world that Rudy Giuliani is bisexual or that Saturday Night Live has never been funny?
Surely then we can expect retribution on a scale that has rarely been seen in world history.
It is one thing to kick to the British out of America. But has it ever crossed American minds just what those plucky Brits can do to get America back?
Perhaps the President or Condoleeza Rice should urgently pay a visit to the Queen of the United Kingdom.
Perhaps some sort of apology should be offered on behalf of all the American people for the abject and scurrilous behavior of the renegade Drudge.
And perhaps Britain should be extended a peace offering.
What if Britain was handed Connecticut?
Connecticut has, for some time, been a state that has contributed little to the American way.
Who can name one useful thing to have ever come out of there?
And, please, let no one believe that Joe Lieberman could be described as having a use.
Therefore, would it not be a wondrous apology for this Plameian betrayal of trust in L’Affaire Du Soldat Prince for America to hand over its most underperforming state to British rule?
The inhabitants of Connecticut might learn to speak English properly and to play a decent level of soccer.
They might also learn to speak without opening their mouths, and to have teeth that resemble the bits of a pineapple that are left over after eating.
This may be the only solution to a problem that is threatening to spiral out of all control.
Perhaps Mohammed Al Fayed could be asked to be Connecticut’s new Governor.
This would surely do wonders for Connecticut’s tourism. As well as its shopping.
The Pond thanks RyanInc for his contribution to world peace.