I have never walked into a controversy. A conservatory, yes.
But controversy, well, it always seems to walk in to me.
And so it has happened with American Idol.
Last week, I revealed the song choices of the remaining ten contestants, in a surprise segment that was to be Selections From The iTunes Top 100.
When the brass at Idol discovered I had rumbled their rampant commercialism, they sent me a rude piss off and die note, which had been written by one of their most important honchos, a man whom I last saw in December, working out in the Crunch on Washington Avenue in Miami in very, very dirty sneakers.
They also forced all of the bleary-eyed children (and Michael Johns) to abandon their rehearsals and quickly learn to butcher some more old nonsense.
David Cook, who, for those of you who remember my exclusive revelations, had decided to grapple with Hannah Montana, was inspired to garrottle (an original cross between garrotting and throttling) Billie Jean because “well, it sounds like one of Hannah’s friends, doesn’t it?”
Kristy Lee Cook has already sent me a very kind thank-you note, on notepaper with a bizarre embossed diagonal blue cross on a red background (is this, perhaps, the logo of her health insurance company sponsor?), because now she can do a little more rehearsal of her original selection- a country version of Michael Jackson’s “Thriller”- with the Madame Tussaud-sponsored Dolly Parton, who will be mentoring the remaining contestants.
David Archuleta has been cruelly and unjustly panned for singing outside of the box on Tuesday. His version of John Farnham’s “You’re the Voice” made Simon Cowell think of animated characters in theme parks. I am sorry to have put him in this position.
Contrary to popular bitchery, David’s choices are not made by his father. Rather, they are handed down to him by the elders of his Mormon Church.
Please, this is the boy who has already given us “Imagine”, “Another Day In Paradise” and now “You’re the Voice.”
Does anyone really think that he’ll suddenly come out with “9 to 5” in next week’s Dolly folly?
No, at the moment he is tossing between “When I Get Where I’m Going”, “Coat of Many Colors” and “High and Mighty.”
It is my personal belief that he should eschew the pressure of fashion whim and simply wear a cassock.
However, the purpose of returning to the scene of the crime is, as anyone who has been through significant rehab knows, to apologize to the victims.
Therefore I must genuflect and say to the exalted being that is Chekezie Eze:
Cheke, I am sorry that I messed up by revealing everyone’s song choices. Your Elton John and Kiki Dee version of “Crank That, Soulja Boy”, would have brought the house down. It would have caused Paula’s tears to melt Simon’s eyebrow dye. It might even have ended the war in Iraq.
Instead, you let someone persuade you to sing it safe, to sing something that actually sounded like the original.
This what is termed in Idol chatter as a bad song choice.
Or what is termed in the Clinton campaign as missinging.
So now you are gone and we feel bereft of all character. The ratings are plunging from the rooftops. And we are heading into unknown country.
Jason Castro is under huge pressure to sing “9 to 5.” But he has declared very firmly that he could only put his soul into the song if it was called “4.20”. Negotiations are heading into their fifth hour as I write.
The gag that has been placed around my laptop by the Idolers means I cannot risk revealing more.
However, I am stoically hopeful that Syesha will follow her instincts and persuade Dolly to let her sing a Partonized version of Toby Keith’s “Courtesy of the Red, White and Blue.”
The Pond thanks d70Focus for visualizing his missgivings.