One contestant is rushed to hospital with high blood pressure. Another shows every sign of nervous breakdown at the very thought of being swept away from her brush with fame. A third, so I am told, is desperately trying to find a surgeon who will give her emergency thigh liposuction.
And then there’s the one-boy soap opera, David Archuleta.
What a relief, therefore, that we are heading into Idol Gives Back week, where contestants are able to choose the one song that inspires them above all others.
Of course, such easy freedom makes for difficult choices.
Brooke White, whose wet-faced fragility has even alarmed the callous, dirty-sneaker wearing Idol major domos, has decided to reveal herself in the fullest way possible.
She will be singing “Everybody Wants To Rule The World”, a song which, she feels, expresses her inner need to be loved by every one of this planet’s humans and not a few of its animals.
The fact that this elegy to modesty was recorded by Tears For Fears cemented her belief that if one is open and honest about one’s inspirations and aspirations, and, indeed, the fears that stand in their way, then stardom will descend like Norah Jones’s voice after two hundred Marlboro Lights.
For a fleeting, slightly intoxicated moment, Carly Smithson had decided to sing a song of wry irony, aimed at her former record company, which is alleged to have paid out millions of dollars in the somewhat myopic belief that she would become an instant Sellin’ Dion.
Meat Loaf’s little known “Life Is A Lemon And I Want My Money Back” is a song of thwarted hope. Yet, the lyrics, specifically ‘What about your future? It’s defective and you can shove it up your ass’ were deemed to be a little too depressing for such an heavenly occasion as Idol Gives Back.
She will therefore be singing Foreigner’s classic “I Want To Know What Love Is”, which some might see as a heartfelt baring of a human soul, and others might hear as a Carly’s Munch’s Scream at Idol voters.
Those of you who have regularly turned to my exclusive insights will know that Jason Castro has been trying to insert his own inspirations into every one of his song choices. He has merely been thwarted each week by the FDA.
At the time of writing, Jason is angsting over whether to choose India Arie’s “I Am Not My Hair”, with its classic line ‘bad hair makes you look like a slave’ or George Strait’s sensitive epistle to monogamy “All My Exes Live In Texas.”
Michael Johns continues to look for himself, but feels that he has selected a song that will inspire those who might still be bi-minded as to his charm.
Of course, there were those Philistines (mainly Idol folks who smelled international cross-promotion like the Pope smells a Prada store) who pressured the handsome Australian to sing Men At Work’s “I Come From A Land Down Under.”
Fortunately, Michael told them to go back to their office up over, and explained that he wants to be known as a world citizen. He will therefore be singing the Beatles’ “Nowhere Man.”
For Michael, this song is the ultimate expression of his world citizen status. For a few other sentients, it serves merely to reinforce a personality that one concerned observer described as “available for rent.”
I am not sure he meant the musical.
David Cook was looking very pale at the Results Show and many are concerned as to whether his condition will improve sufficiently for him to continue along his path of extreme originality.
David’s greatest live inspiration is Raine Maida of the extremely famous Canadian band Our Lady Peace. Their album “The Hunter’s Lullaby” has offered David a vast array of inspirational choices.
His shortlist is “Careful What You Wish For”, “The Snake And The Crown”, “Confessional” and “Rat Race.”
Each, in its own very artistic way, describes David’s inspirational journey on the show. It will be uplifting to see which song he chooses.
Syesha Mercado has been in a quagmired quandary. She is now convinced that she is not Whitney Houston, nor Aretha Franklin, nor even, perhaps, Melinda Doolittle (who, it seems, is spending her current days selling ice cream).
She has therefore decided to break out of the box and run down the street naked. Or at least the musical equivalent. She will be singing Madonna’s “Like A Prayer.” The song is white, it’s black, it’s religious, it’s blasphemous, it has gospel elements, it has rock elements.
Are there any other constituencies she needs to cover to get to the next round?
Kristy Lee Cook is becoming angry that she continually ends up in the bottom three and then some being shorter than her blubbers onto her clothes. She finally feels she has found the inspirational uplifter which will keep her voters clicking and her shirt dry.
She will be belting out Billy Joel’s “Captain Jack.”
Of course, she has promised not to include the line ‘you just sit and home and masturbate.’ But the producers seem bewilderingly unaware what the song is really about. As many are about Kristy’s other finalist, The Who’s “5.15”.
Those more Machiavellian amongst us believe the producers know precisely “Captain Jack’s” port of call and are looking to reverse the show’s decline in viewership- yes, 11% down from last year.
Controversy attracts. Boredom repels. Just ask anyone at tmz. Or The Sharper Image.
I have left David Archuleta until last, as, well, for once he has free reign to choose the religious song of his choice.
His various handlers can only imagine one interpretation of the word ‘inspirational.’
There will be images of starving children in Africa. This would not be the moment for David to reveal his secret predilection for Kurt Cobain or Fitty.
However, I can reveal that David feels this may be the week to assert the independence that lurks within him like Dexter’s serial killerdom.
Although he has not made a final choice yet (after all, the Boy Wonder needs to merely learn words rather than rehearse), David’s short and sweet list includes Marilyn Manson’s “Dissociative”, Britney Spears’ “I’m A Slave 4 U” and Pantera’s “Domination”.
The last of these includes the very meaningful, to David, lyric:
‘It’s domination pushed into living hell
Domination a now blacked heart
Is reaching out divinity.’
If that’s not inspirational, then, pray, what is?
The Pond thanks restrand for allowing us to float upon his inspiration