Breaking News. Song Choice Mayhem for Idol’s Mariah Carey Week.

It never pays to look too far ahead in life.

Yet the men who remain standing (with the help of appropriate medication) in the American Idol Magnanimous Seven were not initially looking forward to Mariah Carey Week.

That was until they realized that, at heart, she was the prototype Idol contestant.

Here is someone who has covered more of other people’s songs than the drunken owner of a failing karaoke bar in Adelaide, Australia.

(And no, there is no Michael Johns comment imminent here.)

Effectively, the boys who were initially thinking they might have to tackle a song about a DJ saving their life, are now free to pretend they are Michael Jackson. Again, in one case.

This has caused monstrously passive-aggressive friction of the kind not seen since Paula Abdul tried to force her skin to accept makeup after a long and arduous night on the tipple.

The producers have been called in several times to cajole someone, anyone to sing an actual Mariah Carey song, rather than a cover. Or, worse, a cover of a cover.

Ms. Carey has, of course, received much writing credit for many of her hits. But on deep examination, one might conclude that the musical roots of so many of her great successes were rather more respectable artists such as the Emotions and the Tom Tom Club.

David Cook, whose sense of credibility was shaken by the reaction to his rather Valentino (and I don’t mean the famous lover) white jacket last week, is insisting on performing “I’ll Be There”, originally made famous by the Jackson Five.

David is, quite naturally, anxious to create his own arrangement of the song. Unlike many boys his age, he feels Mr. Jackson has brought him nothing but good fortune. In an attempt at respecting Ms. Carey, David has agreed to perform the song without plugs (which was her preferred method of rendering it in 1992).

She is also helping him with his credibility issues. When he poured his insecure heart out to her, Mariah took him into her arms and gently whispered: “Sweetie, I made ‘Glitter’. And look at me now.”

Carly Smithson, who has not met a whispering lyric she could not turn into an ululation for the nation, will be singing “Emotions.”

She has fallen in love with the story of the song. Originally, Mariah and her composer friends, C+C Factory, were intent on releasing a song called “She’s So Cold” as the single from the Emotions album.

Carly feels that the fact that this selection was overturned in favor of the rather more uplifting “Emotions” is a presager of the glittering story arc her Idol journey is about to follow.

The song also allows her to sing some very high notes, something Idol audiences frequently mistake for expressions of feeling.

Syesha Mercado has been latoying between “Make It Happen” and “Where Are You, Christmas?”

Mariah, however, suggested she should try “Don’t Forget About Us”, a song that comes from her 2005 album, “The Emancipation of Mimi.”

“Sweetie,” Mariah told Syesha, “this wasn’t just a number one in the US. It was number one in Finland too.”

Unfortunately, the populations of every other country in the world did not quite believe in the song to the exalted extent of the Americans and the Finns.

Jason Castro is becoming very conscious that his looks are playing a certain role in his rise on the show.

He has therefore charmed Mariah like no other contestant. With his beguiling smile at the forefront, he has persuaded her that there can be no song more perfect for him than “Take A Look At Me Now”. This Phil Collins composition is a song that Mariah eviscerated with the very pretty, though now slightly overweight, Irish boyband, Westlife.

Jason is far too innocent for it to have even crossed his mind that Westlife were the proteges of the also slightly overweight Simon Cowell.

Carly Smithson was, apparently, distraught when she discovered this obvious connection she had missed. Like so many of the notes in “The Show Must Go On”.

Brooke White was understandably nervous at the prospect of Mariah’s songbook. It is a tonetome that includes “I Don’t Wanna Cry”, “Crybaby”, “Breakdown” and “If It’s Over.”

Brooke has therefore summoned the wisdom, if not the valium, to choose “I Still Believe”, a song Mariah recorded as a homage to the great Brenda K. Starr.

Brenda originally recorded the song. And Mariah was once one of her backing singers.

(Brenda was about as successful as Ryan Starr until she learned Spanish and had great success with the astounding “Petalos De Fuego”, amongst others.)

Brooke’s trepidation was, however, nothing compared to Kristy Lee Cook’s shivering spurs at the prospect of being Pariah Carey.

She feared her experience would be like Jimmy Buffett being mentored by Jay-Z.

However, Mariah fully supported Kristy’s idea of singing “Bringin’ On The Heartbreak”, a Def Leppard song upon which Mariah sprinkled her R&B confetti.

Even Leppard’s Joe Elliott applauded Ms. Carey’s ingenuity. Kristy will sprinkle her own country twangling to give this song a third life.

Although one can never be sure with certain songs just how many lives they can sustain.

As “What A Wonderful World” has proved.

Speaking of an afterlife, what of David Archuleta?

His confidence has been restored more beautifully than Demi Moore’s knees. And he knows that deep inside he and Mariah share a unique level of divaness. Or, at least, divinity.

David has been saying a few prayers as to which song he should bless with his perfect (sales) pitch. His first idea was to make a small edit in one of Mariah’s favorite songs. Yes, David Archuleta wanted to sing “Last Night A JC Saved My Life”.

There were meetings that, at one point, looked as if they would involve the General Synod before David was dissuaded from his somewhat taste-free thought.

A compromise of sorts was reached.

David will be performing “There’s Got To Be A Way,” a track from Mariah’s very first album.

Ms. Carey has not been one for the socially conscious disco number too often, so David has latched on to this song, with the lyric ‘there’s got to be a way to connect this world today’ a particular Archuleta favorite.

The song expresses unhappiness about such issues as racism and poverty. Although these are two things that don’t exist in David’s native Utah, he believes that taking on such big issues will continue to help him develop his crusading, socially conscious personality.

There are those who are hoping that this caring personality will boost his earning potential too.

As Mariah’s brother, Drew, might put it when thinking celestially: “How much is this really worth?”

The Pond thanks prakhar for his heptgonal evocation.

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17 Comments

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17 responses to “Breaking News. Song Choice Mayhem for Idol’s Mariah Carey Week.

  1. ScandinavianBlonde

    So wherein exactly lies the controversy with “Last Night A JC Saved My Life”?

    The hint of polytheism with the “A” in the title or might it allude to a secret liaison with a JC-initialed fellow contestant?

  2. thespine11

    I, of course, could not possibly comment.

    Although I am deeply impressed with your Finnish ingenuity at discovering this most covert of interpretations.

    It makes me think that either you have far too much time on your hands or that you work, indeed, for the covert services.

    Please come clean.

  3. thespine11

    Moreover, I think we should be told whether you were, in fact, one of the Finns who purchased a brand new copy of “Don’t Forget About Us”, hence propelling it to Finnish immortality.

  4. Mose

    Speaking of an afterlife, what of David Archuleta?

    His confidence has been restored more beautifully than Demi Moore’s knees. And he knows that deep inside he and Mariah share a unique level of divaness. Or, at least, divinity.

    Yes…totally….

  5. thespine11

    We are very short of Gods in this world, Mr. Mose.

    Anything that David can do to develop our celestial devotion has to be a good thing.

    And I believe he can do a lot. Yes, Lordy, I believe.

  6. ScandinavianBlonde

    I cannot fess up to having anything to do with the success of “Don’t You Forget About Us”.

    Still Mariah is crafty and taps into some Finnish social insecurities (the song title on a national level) and the video flirts with some cultural staples: an open fire in what seems to be a log cabin, skinny dipping despite the weather seemingly being cold and for good measure rolling around in a soccer goal. Enough said.

    Really – being overt about being covert, how would that work, hypothetically?

    I really hope to see Mariah’s brother Drew Carey at the Show.

  7. thespine11

    One can be overt about being covert in so many different ways, surely. (see this blog, for one..)

    The only thing one needs is to be good at it.

    And I am very confident that you are. Despite any lingering personal/national insecurities that may be taxing the mind of your (hopefully American) psychotherapist.

    However, the image of Mariah Carey rolling around in a soccer goal should have remained covert.

  8. ScandinavianBlonde

    You are entirely to blame for the soccer goal image, I had to look up the video on YouTube.

    Good luck to more clandestine hopping around all sources AI. Actually, I think I’m on to you, you’re an escapee frog from that Japanese laboratory in Hiroshima, right?

  9. thespine11

    You recognized me, dammit. Far too smart for me.

    Now you must reveal yourself. It is, as surely you would agree, only fair.

    Is it that you are a Finn? Or merely than you have a fin?

  10. ScandinavianBlonde

    Perhaps more of a bird in disguise?

  11. thespine11

    A transvestite? Well, I’ll be darned.

    I know that’s very popular in Finland.

    I mean, I always had my doubts about Jari Litmanen, for example.

    But you? Hmm. I need to lie down.

    Tell me more. When did it first happen? And how did it affect (or, perhaps, reflect) your relationship with your parents?

  12. ScandinavianBlonde

    Duh, now you got it wrong, I’ll give you another hint.

    Nomen est omen.

  13. thespine11

    Sure, sure. You’re a blonde woman from Scandinavia.

    Surely not.

  14. ScandinavianBlonde

    Ok, perhaps it was a bit far fetched, but ScandinAVIANblonde – see a bird 😉

    Covert, masked within the name and the name as a whole is true. Really.

  15. thespine11

    Ah, and I thought you were a transvestite called (Scandinav)IAN.

    Avian. Of course. Very good.

    But you write a little too, um, lucidly, to be a mere Finnish flapper.

    There is a story here. I know there is.

    Do come clean.

    You’re not that Tricia Walsh Smith from YouTube, are you?

    Surely you’ve seen her divorce video?

  16. ScandinavianBlonde

    Ian, I’ll have to remember that if I ever feel the need to have a male alter ego.

    Lucidly- really? I thought I was being murky 🙂

    I saw the headlines for that video, but I suspected it would be a waste of minutes of my life. Was I wrong? Did it reveal a greater truth, any epiphanies on life?

  17. thespine11

    A waste of a minute of your life?

    Lord, no.

    It is six minutes long. Six minutes that say more about male/female relationships than a thousand episodes of Maury Povich.

    Truly, you must give us your review.

    And Tricia is blonde. Naturally.

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