Solid Proof That John McCain Will Win The General Election.

We have been forced to hear much about how the nation is ready for change.

We have had the concept of youth rammed down our throats like a plunger down a blocked toilet.

And yet I am now able to offer concrete facts that tell me the next president will, indeed, be John McCain.

Yes, people choose to mock his advanced years.

But the only number that has been proven to affect a man’s judgement is, as the spritzing Mr. Spitzer can testify, sixty-nine.

One need only look at the news this week to see that senior citizens are more in charge than ever.

Firstly, we have the visit of Pope Benedict. Or Eggselency Benedict, as he is known to those closest to him, and those who would like to be.

This man is almost a hundred years old.

Yet, when he became the Great Pontifficator, one of his first (and some would say, most lucid) decisions was to fire the Vatican’s robemaker, Annibale Gammarelli.

Annibale and his loyal elephants had been knitting the holy threads since 1792.

The new Pope brought in someone a little more contemporary (hard not to), a man called Mancinelli, who has been in business for far less time than Giorgio Armani. Or Ann Taylor.

Benny, as he’s known to many of Rome’s custom apparel salesmen, enjoys shopping in Prada (which was, strangely, for many years next to the Footlocker just by the Spanish Steps) and his shoe collection is the envy of many a woman.

And, of course, even more priests.

Here is a man at the peak of his powers. Standing next to him, John McCain is barely the head altar boy. Barely.

Talking of sex, you may have read this week that a nursing home in Kildegaarden, Denmark, has endured considerable scrutiny over its policy on, well, screwtiny.

Nurses at the very caring Kildegaarden Home For the Elderly and Not Really There found a very fine solution to the problem of the male inmates who were constantly pestering them for succor of a sexual nature.

In order to relieve themselves of the burden of being their patients’ playthings, they hired prostitutes who were only too willing to erect the flag of capitalism on a new and as yet underdeveloped peak.

Of course, the bobbleheads of the Pro-LifesFrustrations League leaped from their toilet seats in bare-bottomed admonishment.

This is myopia most desperate.

If eighty-year-old men with Alzheimer’s are both willing and able to fly the flag of their virility, how can we not see John McCain as a worthy succ(or)sessor to some of the greatest presidents?

Bill Clinton comes to my head, for example. As I’m sure he does to yours too.

If that were not enough to prove that man improves with age, the rumors dripping out of Russia surely solidify my thesis.

Vladimir Putin, the Russian Prime Minister, former President and very active fisherman, is reported to be divorcing his fifty-year-old wife.

Worse (or, depending on your perspective on democracy and relationships, better) he has allegedly taken up with a twenty-four-year-old woman called Alina Kabayeva.

Here is the ultimate proof of aging virility’s complete hold on the world: Ms. Kabayeva is a gymnast.

No ordinary gymnast, but one of the greatest gymnasts in her chosen gymnastic form- no, not that pre-pubescent leaping over vaults and balancing on a two inch wide piece of wood.

Ms. Kabayeva is a rhythmic gymnast. Let me repeat that. A rhythmic gymnast. Who is apparently marrying a fifty-eight-year-old fisherman.

Barack Obama is a forty-something-year-old who looks fifty-five. He is trying and failing to give up smoking. He is bringing up two young children.

Unlike priests of advanced years, inmates of retirement communities and aging political leaders, there is a certain probability that he is neither able to find the time nor the energy to experience the enjoyment of complete abandon.

And without that enjoyment, how can any man (or woman) enjoy the favor of an electorate which always votes for virility over virtue? (I even include the support for Richard Nixon in this assertion)

I think it will be a landslide. Or, at the very least, an earthmover.

The Pond thanks rileyroxx for his eyepopping elderly erotica.



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8 responses to “Solid Proof That John McCain Will Win The General Election.

  1. ScandinavianBlonde

    That was a multiple snicker post.

    What I find disturbing about the Putin issue is that apparently he was able to divorce his wife back in Febuary. And there was nothing in the media!

    Are they really still at/back at the ironic Pravda reporting days?

    I started reading Garry Kasparov’s autobiography and what a missed opportunity! The man is a wise genius; I don’t think you could call any other living politician that. I don’t have time to finish the autobiography right now but it’s a treat I’m savouring.

  2. thespine11

    Why would Russian journalists dare to write about Mr. Putin’s personal life?

    See, Russian journalists tend to get, um, shot.

    Less Kasparov, more Kalashnikov.

    Although Kasparov did make an extremely entertaining appearance on the Bill Maher Show not so long ago.

    He was far too smart for Little Bill.

    How can one not have time to finish the biography of a genius?

    What is there to do on Finnish islands? Other than seek Finnish fish.

  3. ScandinavianBlonde

    Well, there is plenty to do ๐Ÿ™‚

    Anyway, about Russian journalists getting shot, or poisoned by something radioactive – btw why use something no ordinary mortal could get their hands on? As a message? Creepy and freightening.

    At least this time it seems only the newspaper that started the news was killed. A death too much anyway.

  4. thespine11

    Polonium is, indeed, a very interesting method. They even found traces of it at Arsenal Football Stadium.

    Russian justice is a very particular thing.

    My Mum and Dad can tell you more about it.

    They are Siberian Labor Camp survivors.

    By the way, why does Finland always give Estonia 12 points in the Eurovision Song Contest?

    Is this your way of preventing an invasion? Or some kind of chemical/cyber attack? ๐Ÿ™‚

  5. ScandinavianBlonde

    Siberian Labor Camps, that’s severe. I’m a bit too young to have experienced the Soviet Union as a frightening entity.

    I did read Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn’s Cancer Ward, admittedly long after it was published and I was around 11 and it went over my head, but still, I remember something of a vibe in it.

    You can never forget Russia in this part of the world, but Estonia, snore. I think we usually give Sweden our 12 points. Can’t be sure. I had to embrace the cheesetasticness of the Eurovision when it was here (theme viewing party etc) but otherwise it’s not really on my radar.

    Although it is a lot funnier than American Idol ๐Ÿ™‚

  6. thespine11

    I guarantee you Finland and Estonia used to give each other 12 points EVERY year.

    At least when I used to watch it- which was the 80s and 90s.

    I, too, used to have parties for it. Food from every one of the countries competing.

    Some people had to lie down on the floor at the end of it.

    And I had a lot of money on Celine Dion when she won it for Switzerland with “Ne Partez Pas Sans Moi.”

    Now how many people on this site (or anywhere) can admit to having read Cancer Ward?

    Did you have a particularly miserable childhood?

  7. ScandinavianBlonde

    Well, Wikipedia tells me Estonia didn’t participate until 1994 so I stand by my Sweden gets the best points stance.

    I only read Cancer Ward because I was all out of pony books and it was in my parents bookshelf. So nothing to brag about really, and the whole Soviet-Cancer metaphor went right across my blonde head..

    Not a miserable childhood, embarassingly spoilt more likely.

    The Eurovision Song Contest is the perfect show for drinking games, but American Idol does have potential as well. Any ideas?

    I would suggest a slug every time God is mentioned to begin with.

  8. Billyboi

    I think McCain will win because Independents have not voted yet and most I know are voting McCain…
    Not to mention all the Hillary Supporters that are now voting McCain and of course the PUMA project, which is succeeding for both Hillary and McCain…
    I believe McCain will win by the states of NH and possibly another state that will not be Democratic in the end. I bet you McCain will win, I’m voting for him. Obama is toooo fishy for me!

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