Is David Cook Suggesting That American Idol Is Finished?

You must have had the experience.

Two strange things happen at the same time. And, soon after they happen, you begin to wonder if they might somehow be related.

The last time this happened to me was when a girl told me she didn’t want to see me any more and, on the same day, the Electric Light Orchestra played a live symphony or two in my home town.

This week, the two possibly-related events are the announcement of Norbit-like downward pressure on the American Idol ratings and the release of an old David Cook album. By, it seems, David Cook.

Despite his rugged good looks and wild, enchanting shyness, women aged 18-34 are deciding to turn to their Grand Theft Autos and karate lessons rather than view the great battle between David and, er, David.

As for children 2-11 (oh, yes, a vital Idol voting swing group) they are turning to, who knows, studying the Presidential debates on Daily Kos. Or applying for jobs as reporters at US Weekly.

Worse, last Tuesday’s exalted Mariah Carey joyathon managed to seduce fewer alive people aged 18-49 than any Idol Show since 2003.

What touching humility, then, for the ever-modest David Cook to choose this moment to release some of his imperfectly-formed warblings to the outside world.

Apparently, his 2006 opus “Analog Heart” might once have been available to street people and customers of the bar that he graced so nobly for some time.

How strangely the Gods conspire, though, when we discover that “Analog Heart” suddenly appears to be the number one-selling album on Amazon’s mp3 floor.

Slightly ahead of Mariah Carey’s new Jackie Collins paperback.

I can only imagine how the conversation might have gone between Cookie and his alleged friend and recent Idol aglumnus, Daughtry:

D: You’ve already won, Cookie.

DC: Yeah? The producers told you?

D: Nah. Forget the producers. You’ve already used this dumb TV show to gain credibility. It doesn’t matter if you win it. I never did, did I?

DC: So, what should I do, my really rich and credible friend?

D: Put some music out now, man. Get the people listening to the stuff you want them to listen to. While you’re still on TV. That’s what they’re doing by sticking all the shows up on iTunes, isn’t it?

DC: But won’t the Idol people get mad at me?

D: Too late for that. The show is on its way down. All that people care about is whether you and that creepy altar boy will get to the Final.

DC: But, Credible One, you told me “Analog Heart” wasn’t very good.

D: Having money is, though.

Oh, perhaps it didn’t go quite like that. But there is some snook-cocking going on here, surely.

Please imagine if Carrie Underwood had graced iTunes with 12 of her church recordings while she was still on the show.

It is reasonable to believe that the dirty-sneakered Idolmisers would have called any surviving members of the Saddam Hussein regime and asked them if they could borrow some of those hidden WMDs.

Now, they appear to stand and stare and try to find new ways of raking in the leaves that fall from the money tree. While they still can.

I suppose everything has to end.

But why must it end like the Batchelor, in a horrible dribble, rather than some vast mind-shattering eruption?

Why can’t Simon get Carly pregnant? Or David Archuleta turn out to be a girl? Or a closet Catholic?

Must the world always be so mundane?

I will be riveted to the Andrew Lloyd Webber special in the hope of some salvation.

I fear it may be in vain.

Don’t cry for me, Auntie Tina.

The Pond thanks joka2000 for capturing Mount Cook at dawn.




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19 Comments

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19 responses to “Is David Cook Suggesting That American Idol Is Finished?

  1. Chasee

    I say Daughtry recently when I was at a Bon Jovi concert. How dare he call David ARchuleta creepy alter boy? I was very supportive of Daughtry, but honestly, he gave the creeps with his LOUD music and his creepy band, doing nothing BUT SHOUTING his song to the audience. I could not wait for him to get off the stage so that I can hear my favorite Bon Jovi rocker band. Daughtry he has ONE good CD and he thinks he is a genious of an artist. Talking about creepy real men don’t wear EYELINER. DAvid Cook and Daughtry should start their own CREEPY band together. Don’t forget where you came from Daughtry, if it was not for american idol you will still be a nobody, not that you are somebody now. BOO

  2. thespine11

    Um, Chasee, Chasee.

    Or should that be JayCee?

    Please look at the remainder of this site. Please.

    I feel the end of the stick that you are holding in such a menacing fashion is not the right one.

    I worry about you.

    It’s going to be alright. Really.

  3. Karen

    If Cook really is trying to get an unfair advantage by putting his old album out now, shame on him. If he can’t win with what he brings to the show, then he should quit and go home.

    And, knock it off with attacking David Archuleta! The kid is INSANELY talented, is very grounded and well-adjusted compared to what we see everyday in the music business. You should be applauding him instead of demeaning him. A lot of us are sick of the drugged out losers, gang bangers and sluts. David A. is a breath of fresh air.

    David Archuleta has me listening to popular music for the first time in over 20 years! I YouTubed him when he first was on the show, and his old stuff just blew me away. I decided that if there was beauty like that out there and I wasn’t listening, I was a fool. I’d listened to nothing but talk radio and classical music for decades, but no longer. I am loving popular music thanks to David A.

    Quit giving him crap! I love the kid–that incredible voice, the sweet, humble personality, and way cute face. If he doesn’t win Idol, it’ll be the crime of the century!

  4. thespine11

    Hello Karen,

    Thank you for writing.

    However, I worry that 20 years of talk radio and classical music may have affected you.

    Please don’t feel bad. It would affect anyone.

    I am trying to decipher whether it is Carrie Underwood, Taylor Hicks or, perhaps, Kelly Clarkson to whom you are referring as “drugged out losers, gangbangers and sluts.”

    Or perhaps you are thinking of Mariah Carey, Miley Cyrus, Taylor Swift, Alicia Keys, Jordin Sparks or the Jonas Brothers?

    I am, in addition, pained that you should think the Pond would stoop to demean anyone.

    Truly pained.

    I will work harder to change your views of the pristine intellectual waters that characterize the Pond.

  5. liz bennet

    Fact check please: David Cook’s album was not released this week, it merely rose to the top of the charts and made news this week. I bought the album a month ago.
    Also note that Analog Heart was independently released, whereas Carly, Kristy Lee and Michael have already had major record deals.

  6. Mel

    well, david Cook is not very cute/hot. David Archuleta is really very very cute. like gosh, seriously, he is born to be a star kinda thang.
    yeahh, i love david archuleta.
    he sings like an angel.
    humble and sweet.
    david archuleta, oh david archuleta:)

  7. thespine11

    You’re quite right, Liz.

    I didn’t mean to imply that it had been released this week.

    Its release had, simply, full impact this week.

    And Mr. Cookie clearly intended its release to coincide with his, er, journey on Idol. Some would say that is worse than having had a deal in the past like the Irish Madonna of San Diego.

    The fact that it was released at all is, I think, somewhat cock-snooky, no?

    Or should that be Cook-snooky?

    Wasn’t this supposed to be a competition for neophytes?

    Or did someone realize that neophytes are even poorer singers than those who have had a few years of trying to capture people’s attention in pubs?

    You actually bought it? Tell us, how good is it?

    And what made you laugh today? Something must have..

  8. thespine11

    Hello, Mel,

    Mel? Mel?

    Is that a bong I see before you?

    Mel?

  9. bobbi

    i love that part about david a. turning out 2 be a closet catholic. haha! oh, but i really love analog heart. i think its a great album…most people i kno who’ve heard it really like it.

  10. thespine11

    Hello, Bobbi,

    Welcome. Thank you for commenting.

    I admit that I haven’t yet managed to listen to Analog Heart.

    At least there’s no denying that David Cook has some talent.

    But don’t you feel that Idol needs a little more controversy to spice up its sagging life?

    We the People need to be fed.

    Because, in general, we are fed up.

  11. Mary

    You need to listen to Analog Heart before you write about it.

    I like your “tongue-in-cheek” style……..

    but really.

    go listen to it.

  12. thespine11

    Mary,

    Hello. Thank you for writing.

    Yes, yes. I will follow orders.

    Although, how do you know I haven’t listened to it?

    And now, how on earth will I get hold of it if it’s been removed from the river of selling that is Amazon?

    To be fair, though, I didn’t say it was no good. The imaginary Daughtry did.

    Thank you for your kind words.

    You know I am only here to entertain and, just very occasionally, to stimulate.

    It’s like a multiple marriage, really.

  13. Laura

    Someone already mentioned that Analog Heart had been up on Amazon since at least mid-March, but what they didn’t mention is that, as well as David Cook’s pre-idol music being available on Amazon to download, there were also albums from Carly, Brooke, KLC and Michael John’s band the Rising.

    No one made a stink about those, and they were also allowed to stay available, while David Cook’s was pulled.

    I know where you’re coming from–I love me some idol controversy, but don’t believe everything you read on fox news. While they don’t appreciate the facts, I was hoping you do.

  14. Laura

    Oops–also forgot…I don’t know who else falls into this category, but I do know of a few past contestants who had pre-idol music available while they were on the show–Taylor Hicks, Chris Daughtry & Chris Sligh.

    So no, this was not unprecedented–just very heavily reported.

  15. thespine11

    Laura,

    You are so correct about Fox News.

    All news, really.

    However, I think the point here is that although you might have been able to dredge up music by other contestants from the time before their body hair and tattoos grew out of control, there is the considerable suspicion here that Cookie, or someone close to him, did a little promoting of his opus.

    Just to test the commercial waters, you understand.

    Otherwise, why one earth would it have been removed?

    Surely not because of tittle-tattle in the media…

  16. Anne

    Well Ms. talented frog spine, it appears that anybody that is not on the same anti-archuleta band wagon you happen to be on, must be weird. I have a better idea. If you think you have better talents, why not put your full picture here (or do you still consider an ugly talentless frog) and bring it with the singing. Then we can start having some fun, instead of using this crappy site to bash a talented young man, you know nothing about. Get over it, he is going to win AI this year. You might actually have to find something else to do with your talentless life after that…hmmmmmm

  17. thespine11

    Oh, Anne,

    Was it a hard day? I am so sorry.

    I am so sorry, too, that we don’t entirely agree.

    But to accuse me of being on a bandwagon would be a little unfair.

    I am not aware of any bandwagon that would have me.

    The thing is, though, singing exists not just for the pleasure of the performers, but also of the listeners.

    And I, as a listener, find Little David about as uplifting as a December day in Detroit.

    As you will see here, other commenters tend to express that they don’t entirely agree with you.

    I am distressed that you find this site crappy.

    I work terribly hard not to have advertising here, not to link to any other site and not to have media-generated news pictures.

    I will work harder to please you.

    Because you sound like a cultural superdelegate.

  18. Jennifer Bowen

    Wow! That was extremely snarky and judgmental. Here’s hoping you have a better day (or life) if it will help you to be more positive towards others.

  19. thespine11

    Thank you for the compliment, Jennifer.

    Although this particular post seemed rather full of facts, rather than judgements, to me.

    I am touched that there are people out there who project a relentlessly positive attitude and I think you could teach all of us a lot.

    And we could teach you humor.

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