Neil Diamond Idol Week. Sneak Preview Of The Second Song Choices.

Who among us can claim to have sung more than one Neil Diamond song on the same evening?

Perhaps some are old or melancholy enough to have actually been to a Neil Diamond concert.

Perhaps others had one glass too many of Asti Spumante and ended up on stage with the band at their unpleasant sister-in-law’s second wedding.

Yet this order, one so tall that it is likely to end up looking like the Tower of Pisa, is the one that befalls the five remaining pretenders on American Idol.

Yesterday, I risked my life and reputation and sneaked you into their first performances.

Today, my soul is up for grabs as I offer you their pieces de resistance.

Which is French for “Please, God, let the children and dying people who watch this show let me stay here for another week because beer and wine are free and the burgers are delivered on silver platters.”

Jason Castro, not content with taking the 45 of “Sweet Caroline” and slowing it to a 19, has decided to play to his main constituency, women who want to make love to a stoner, and dedicate his second song to Rosie.

The Rosie who is Crackling.

As Lord Lloyd Webber might have opined: “Well, it could work on stage. So might Joan Rivers one day.”

Jason is increasingly resembling those strange youths who stand behind TV reporters going live at the scene of a crime, a game or a vote and make silly faces behind their backs.

There are fears that his Rosie will crackle rather less than she will swim in grease before being given to Petey the Pekinese.

Brooke White, whose version of “You’ve Lost That Lovin’ Feeling’ will undoubtedly stun, has opted for more safe haven with her second selection.

What else could the Music Medicine Man have prescribed other than “Song Sung Blue.”

For all Brooke’s attempts at joy and laughter, she appears to be one tear away from a tsunami. If she begins the song in a mournful frame of mind, things can only get slightly worse.

Syesha Mercado, who has been busy practicing her lack of floral arrangements, has decided to go for broke with the finale. She has been in the bottom two more often than the Miami Dolphins of late, so why should she care what anyone thinks of her?

We should therefore all stand and applaud that she will be taking on “God Only Knows,” a song immortalized by the Beach Boys and karaoked by Mr. Diamond.

Syesha feels that she has covered off a positive view of the Lord Almighty together with a tune that every old lady in possession of a phone, a computer and a mentis still compos will know.

What more could we expect of her? She has been a shining delight over a cesspit of dirty-sneakered venality.

Now to Little David and Big David. In last week’s Results Show, we could have all been forgiven for thinking, as the two of them walked out together to learn their fate, that this was an older brother taking his naive sibling to his first NC-17 movie.

David Archuleta has decided to open on Tuesday with “He Ain’t Heavy, He’s My Brother”. There has been much pressure from certain factions that he attempt “Girl, You’ll Be A Woman Soon”, a heartfelt song about a macho man who is standing ready for a girl to come of age.

David’s winged handlers are too clever for such wayward talk.

He will therefore be closing with “Brother Love’s Traveling Salvation Show.”

Perhaps I could offer you one of the key phrases of this very large composition: “Pack up the babies and grab the old ladies and everyone goes.”

Indeed.

David’s attempt at simultaneous Idol victory and salvation for the hard-working masses should be a veritable Cistine Chapel for the ears. With the risk of a cystitis for the heart.

David Cook is beginning to rise very gently above what remains of the fray. Perhaps you too espied him clapping very half-heartedly as Carly Smithson belted out her swanyell to Jesus last Wednesday night.

As his hands slapped rather than clapped, his eyes were fixed at some exalted height somewhere stage right.

Perhaps these were the words wafting through his innards at the time: “You are the sun, I am the moon. You are the words, I am the tune. Play Me.”

These are the words, perfected, no doubt, over several years, with which David intends to close his personal Neil Diamond journey.

Of course, there are those who suspect that David would like to substitute the word ‘play’ with the word ‘bite’.

However, he knows that he must wade through this Deliverance-like swamp for another month at the most, avoiding unwanted penetration into his, um, integrity, before going off to be manicured and manufactured as America’s next multi-platinum product.

On the other hand, perhaps he will decide to give it all up and go and live in an ashram somewhere just outside Goa. With “Hello” and “OK” vying to pay $5 million for the exclusive pictures.

That’s the fun part about people. You just never know.

As the prepubescents, old ladies, neurotic teenies and aficionados of VoteForTheWorst.com will no doubt zealously try to prove again this week.

The Pond thanks diongillard for his exposition of a diamond in the rough.

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21 Comments

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21 responses to “Neil Diamond Idol Week. Sneak Preview Of The Second Song Choices.

  1. James

    Are these song selections definite or are they your suggestions?

  2. thespine11

    Oh, James,

    Is anything in life definite?

    I mean, I always thought Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman would last forever.

    Didn’t you?

    Let’s say that if you dig deeply into this site and become familiar with the Pond’s vernacular, the truth that we express is an accurate one.

    And we always get the Idoler to be immolated entirely correct before the event.

    Thank you for writing. It is always warming to hear from a new Pond visitor.

  3. Judy Casteel

    Is that the real list of second song choices or Pond fantasy?

    Don’t kid yourself – David Cook knew AI was a snake b4 he picked it up. So, if he’s sneering inside he’ll get over it when he wins and gets that big fat contract. But he’s already sold his soul, can’t get it back by putting that slightly bored and “better than all this” look on his face.

    But, as you said, who the hell knows? Brooke shake like a Chihuahua White is still in the mix, so anything can happen. She could just go ahead and explode on live TV this week.

    Now, I must disagree with you re: Jason Castro. Bright, he isn’t, I agree, but once he picks up his guitar (or uke) and begins to sing, he morphs right b4 our very eyes into this seriously intense singer dude who grabs us (apparently not ALL of us) and won’t let go. I mean, try, just try to look away when he’s on stage. I find I’d rather look at him than any of the others – he’s oddly facinating. You never know what unintended hilarity he’ll utter next, and you also never know when he’ll come up with another miracle like “Hallelujah” or “Over the Rainbow” in such obscure but moving versions you want to cry. And, you’re wrong about the lusting thing – people want to “help” Jason and teach him stuff, stuff like how to walk and talk, and that the musical Cats is actually about cats!

    And I gotta give props to AI for even allowing Jason’s weird ass self in this contest of pre-set types, you know, there’s always a rocker chick, rocker dude, country chick, country dude, etc. He’s so out there I’m amazed he made it to the audition room. But, let’s hear it for diversity!

  4. thespine11

    Judy,

    Thank you for writing.

    I very much understand what you mean about Jason being oddly fascinating.

    So is a car crash.

    Yet I would much rather help the victims of a car crash than I would Jason.

    Perhaps this is a boy/girl thing, but, truly, he ain’t no singer.

    Although I agree it’s amazing Idol let him on at all.

    I will take away from your comment, though, the image of Brooke White exploding live on stage.

    It will stay with me for the rest of today.

    Thank you again.

  5. James

    OK…so you’re being very vague. It seems to me that these are your song suggestions. Although I looked at your selections for inspiration week and I think you were wrong on each one. So maybe you’re just being tongue in cheek. 🙂

  6. thespine11

    Wrong? Moi?

    Hmm, James.

    It depends on how you define truth.

    I hope that you feel I express the ethos of the show very truthfully.

    And I very much hope that you laughed at least once.

    That is always good for a Monday, no?

    Are you missing Barry as much as I am? And I don’t mean Barry Mannilow? Watching John Bowker is not quite the same….

  7. sue

    You really need a real job, better start looking now, since you will have nothing bad to write about anybody, but again mean spirited human beings always find something bad to write about or comment in their own talentless world. Whatever the current AI contestants choose, I am sure will be fine for them, since they are the ones competing and leaving themselves open to commentators (wish I could say writers, but one talented one you are not). Go David Archuleta and the rest of the contestans.Whether you pick on David A, or not every week with your nasty remarks about this and that, you are only showing your lack of professionalism, jealousy and mean spirited charactrer. Yes, I am not a teen or a 6 year old but an educated college grad in my mid 30’s who appreciates young talent with an incredible voice and yes I do vote many times every week for him. So your song choices/suggestions mean nothing, but taking up space on the internet. Perhaps young David A can teach most of you a few things.

  8. thespine11

    Oh, Sue,

    Thank you for writing.

    I do wish I could please everyone all the time.

    It is my life’s ambition.

    And I am sad I couldn’t please you.

    I really don’t think I pick on David Archuleta. I think he is far more hellbent on success than you might imagine. It’s an opinion. And I hope you will, at least, allow me mine.

    I wonder what happened to the 100 grand he won on Star Search aged 11. Would you send your 11-year-old on a TV talent show? Not sure I would. Do you think it might affect that 11-year-old just a little? I think it might. wasn’t Britney a presenter on a TV show when she was a kid?

    However, I have no problem with your enthusiasm for Little David, as I think we all need enthusiasms in our lives.

    Of course, you are right about the contestants. They will all be fine.

    Perhaps you and some of your friends have already ordered your new Chris Sligh and Phil Stacey albums.

    This show is less about talent and more about that nebulous concept called personality.

    Exhibit One- the wonderful Melinda Doolittle.

    We live in strange times. As I’m sure you can attest.

    I am so sad you think I have no talent.

    But I promise to keep working at it.

    Thank you for your encouragement.

  9. James

    YOU GO SUE…that’s telling it like it is. Another person here in their 30s that thinks Archuleta is the best talent the show has seen in years.

  10. thespine11

    Thank you, James.

    It is never healthy to feel alone.

    As for Little David being a major talent.

    Hmm, I’m afraid I don’t even think he’s an Elliott Yamin.

    Although I did hear Idi Amin sing once. And that wasn’t very good at all.

  11. James

    Elliot looked very sheepish on his Idol performances. Archuleta inspires and gives me goosebumps…that’s the sign I look for when a performance moves me.

  12. thespine11

    James,

    I genuinely think it’s great that some performer moves you.

    See, Barry Bonds did that for me.

    Little David, not so much.

    It really would be dull if we were all the same.

  13. James

    oh…well at least we agree on one thing. I’m a huge Barry Bonds fan.

  14. thespine11

    Now Barry is worth getting excited about. I trust you read my post about meeting one of his lawyers.

    https://pondculture.wordpress.com/2007/11/18/my-evening-with-a-member-of-barry-bonds-legal-team/

  15. Judy Casteel

    WE can only hope! (that Brooke will explode) I simply cannot deal with another trembly, shaky, forced song from her. I wish her nothing but the best, but I also wish her gone.

    Ha! How did Idi Amin sound? Did he rap, or maybe do a soulful treatment of “In the Ghetto”? Funny, dude.

    Don’t know why I can relate to Jason C and not to David A. The thing about DA is that he’s like this little kid to me – like my son’s 10 yr old friends from school practicing their song for the school play. I demand an ID, no way he’s 17! And do we really need another Vegas style lounge singer? Altho, he could do a Dean Martin tribute album. I can hear him now “When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie……”

    I admit Jason Castro “ain’t no singer”, and possibly it IS the girl/boy thing too – but I see him as an indie, folk stylist ala Jack Johnson or Jeff Buckley – he’s not a really good vocalist, but he has a clear, sweet voice, and he delivers his song with intensity and passion. He’s like the love child of John Mayer and Willie Nelson. (Go ahead, picture it.)

  16. thespine11

    Judy,

    Willie Nelson and John Mayer fornicating? Together?

    Lordy, that will affect the taste of my latte this morning.

    It’s great to understand why you’ve got a thing for him, though.

    You appreciate that he’s not the next great American hope. And that he is not trying to peddle you a little religion. (which, I suspect, Little David might like to. Or, at least, his handlers might like him to.)

    Little David’s lifestyle and Dean Martin’s…hmm, a study in contrasts, I suspect.

    I think you are very right about David being this little kid whom you can’t exactly take seriously.

    As for Brooke, I fear she may never recover from this experience.

    The real question is, though, will we?

  17. dashing4

    Hello Again,

    Just wanted to clear up some misconceptions about my boy, Jason. I know that his laid back attitude and delayed reaction time to interview questions doesn’t help his case, but he is not a stoner as you say in your article above. I never thought he was and now I know he isn’t. I heard it straight from the mouth of Carly Smithson on Atlanta radio Star 94, she said Jason does not smoke and never has. My boy is blessed to be naturally high. You can hear the interview for yourself online. Star94 -morning show news.

    So, that just goes to show you that you should not judge a book by its cover after all. Dreads do not always equal drugs.

    That’s my thought for the day. Hope you are enjoying the pond and staying away from the scum.

    Dashing

  18. sue

    Nice to see you are still sharing your distinguished talents on this column. This is America we are all entitled to our opinion. Just for the record, the one you continue to refer to as Little David, happens to have a real name, and needless to say a real talent. No I am not buying Chris Slighs CD either, since I did not think he was as talented as the ones left. Saying that David Archuleta is not Elliot Yamin, of course not after all he is name David Archuleta NOT Elliot Yamin (who by the way thinks that David Archuleta is very talented). As far as what consequences he had from Star Search, did not know you had such psychic or psychological expertise ability to really understand what the consquences will be, you were not even there or part of that. Just another mean spirited reason to talk about someone you do not even know. But I have a better idea for the rest of us who would really like to get a good laugh, why don’t you POST your photos and LIST your talents and will gladly write daily about such? Or better yet, why not go stand in line with 300,000 contestants and see, if you will make the cut after 100,000 to the top 5 list?

  19. thespine11

    Dear Dashing,

    Thank you for setting us straight about Jason.

    I totally believe everything Carly says, just as I believe that, like any upstanding Catholic girl, she was untouched by human hands till the night of her nuptials.

    You know, I do think girls like stoners, though. So the dreads are working for him either way.

    You’re right about books and covers, of course.

    As for scum, ah, well, perhaps you can help me with techniques in avoiding it?

    Life in the Pond is no picnic in the park.

  20. thespine11

    Oh, Sue.

    Oh, Sue.

    Oh, Sue.

    Oh, I want you to get a good laugh too.

    Oh, Sue.

  21. weezzy

    First i want to thank you for all the wonderful articles you post. Thanks again for let us spread the love we have for our’s favorites one. Melinda Doolittle are really a talented singer with a big heart of Gold! Without website will be really difficult for any fans to share the great news about them. Thanks.
    FREE SONG FROM AMERICAN IDOL’S MELINDA DOOLITTLE! GO TO http://www.melindadoolittle.com and get it NOW – FREE! New album released on February 3, 2009! Don’t miss it!

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