Exclusive. American Idol Rock And Roll Song Choices Shock Producers.

These are tense times on the Starship Idolprize.

The producers who have been used to the kind of growth not seen since Richard E. Grant’s in “How To Get A Head In Advertising”, are now wondering if the money vine is about to wither faster than the average Hollywood skin graft.

Over 1 million people deserted the show between Andrew Lloyd Webber and Neil Diamond.

It is not known whether these were people whose colostomy bags needed urgent servicing or whether there has been a sudden increase in ear surgeries in America’s hospitals.

So the atmosphere on the set resembles Times Square after a man in a skirt and a cowboy hat has just shouted that he has released enough smallpox virus to destroy Europe.

The remaining four contestants are, to some extent, choking on the fumes that make Beijing seem like Tahiti.

The theme this week is some verbiage about rock and roll.

Please allow me to translate: “Dear contestant, sing a song that will sound vaguely modern, vaguely entertaining and will vaguely make more people tune in, stay tuned in and then iTune in.”

Frankly, our Fabulous Four can sing any song they want.

Can I prove this?

Naturally. As usual.

Please try Googling “The 100 Greatest Rock and Roll Songs of All Time.”

Number two on the chart is some obscure gentleman’s list. Number One on that list is Bob Marley’s “No Woman, No Cry.”

If that is a rock and roll song, then last night I really did sleep with Lindsay Lohan, Barbaro and the late lamented Archbishop Makarios of Greece.

So the contestants have been challenging the producers who want to limit them to some Rock and Roll Hall of Fame list of 500 old but terribly significant songs.

As far as the Final Four is concerned, the theme this week is Anything Goes (As Long As It’s Vinyl.)

Which does not necessarily explain Jason Castro’s cavalier approach to song selection.

He has taken several songs with him to rehearse in front of a small piano and a large mirror.

There is unquestionably some truth in the rumor that Jason has given up. He was heard this week to say that he has by far the weakest voice of those remaining. However, in the following breath he defied anyone to beat his eyelashes.

The songs on Jason’s shortlist are, unsurprisingly, an eclectic group.

His greatest desire is to sing “Mary Had A Little Lamb.” Please withhold your guffaws. The song to which I am referring is the Wings classic that leaped to number one on many charts across the globe. Principally because it was part of what was quaintly called a Double-A side with a ditty called “Give Ireland Back To The Irish.”

Jason first heard the Paul McCartney song and whispered to himself: “Yes. This is me. I feel like Mary. This is my song.”

Of course producers took him aside and made threats of long flights into Polish woods with nothing to eat but kielbasa and beets.

However, Jason believes he has nothing to lose. Which is why the three other finalists in his current set are Procol Harum’s “Whiter Shade of Pale”, the classic Yes song “Yours Is No Disgrace” and Buddy Holly’s “Oh, Boy.”

I will attempt to keep you appraised of Jason’s vocal developments but the Idol caudillos are still gunning for me with Russian bazookas after I so subtly picked “You’ve Lost That Lovin’ Feeling” and “Song Sung Blue” for Brooke White last week, two messages which got through to our more sensitive readers as indications of her already ordained departure.

Syesha Mercado has proved so admirably that she can be rocked but still roll with any punch thrown at her.

Syesha went back to her now rather solitary bedroom last Wednesday, bathing in the incredulity that someone in America had actually noticed she could sing.

She knows that her fan base resembles Dennis Kucinich’s, so her only concern is to choose songs that Simon will like.

Syesha very cleverly put in a call to the rather perplexing woman who appeared on Wednesday’s show and claimed to have been Simon Cowell’s first kisser. Her name is Tara McDonald-Smith and she has had no facial surgery.

Syesha and Tara had a good old chinwag, as they say in the sort of circles Simon used to run. Tara helped enormously in creating a shortlist that will appeal to Mr. Cowell’s core.

For this weekend’s rehearsals, Syesha has been grappling with Jethro Tull’s unimpeachable lament “Too Old To Rock and Roll, Too Young To Die.”

This comes from Jethro’s later period and, if she can pull it off, she will have cemented a career overnight.

In the soprano sense, not the Sopranos sense.

She has also shortlisted Van Morrison’s “Moondance” and Eric Clapton’s “Wonderful Tonight”.

Both are, like Jethro Tull, solidly British and from about the era of Simon’s greatest vulnerability. However, Tara may have had a couple of rum and cokes too many when she suggested that Syesha look at Oasis’s “Wonderwall”, Depeche Mode’s “Everything Counts” and The Jam’s “Down In The Tube Station At Midnight.”

Though all are most excellent examples of Britain’s finest, Syesha will surely struggle once she begin to hum them to the sweeping hand movements of the smiling rehearsal piano accompanyist who looks as if he can only get through the day with the aid of his good friends Captain Morgan and Eli T.

Of course, most of the Idol talk continues to be about the two Davids.

David Cook, whose confidence is growing like that of the presiding priest at the midnight hour of an especially raucous wedding reception, feels as if this is the week to show why he will be the King of the Download for the next ten years.

However, he must avoid the cheese of recent weeks, the beef that he may not be able to deliver and the potatoes that are so many of Daughtry’s finest offerings.

He has therefore decided to err on the side of cultural cred rather than crud.

His shortlist looks like this: Creedence Clearwater Revival’s “Have You Ever Seen The Rain?”, The Moody Blues’ “Nights In White Satin”, The Doors’ “Riders On The Storm” and Blood, Sweat and Tears’ astounding anthem “You’ve Made Me So Very Happy.”

However, he was spotted spending some considerable time learning the words to Joe Tex’s great hymn to comfortable sexuality “Ain’t Gonna Bump No More With No Big Fat Woman.”

I have been guaranteed that these words from the song were heard coming out of David’s mouth: “She was rarin’ to go, that chick was rarin’ to go. Then she did a dip, almost broke my hip.”

In fact, I understand that Mr. Cook was caught red-handed and dirty-mouthed by his great rival, David Archuleta. Little David walked into the restroom for a little respite only to discover David Cook had turned Texan.

Shortly afterwards, Little David was heard talking in deep, forceful tones to his father, Jeff: “Dad. My mind’s made up. This is rock and roll!! I am going to eat a bat on stage and I don’t care whether you like it or not!!!”

Mr. Archuleta Senior’s answer was inaudible, though David was to be seen not many minutes later seated on a stool with his arms suspiciously folded across his stomach as if he had no choice but to keep them there.

I have been faxed a list of the songs a placated Little David has been supplicated to choose for rehearsals:

1. “God Only Knows” by the Beach Boys.

2. “Tears in Heaven” by Eric Clapton.

3. “Heaven Must Be Missing An Angel” by the Eurythmics

4. “Oh, Daddy” by Fleetwood Mac.

Of course, with the Archuletas it is a fluid affair. Songs come, then someone notices the song is pro-drinking, pro-fornicating, pro-lasciviousness or anti-polygamy and it is replaced by something more appropriate.

The producers have turned seventeen shades of livid with the Archuleta shortlist.

They were hoping he would choose songs that hit the sweet spot that lies on the tantalizing border between uplift and ick.

Instead, they fear his final two will make it seem like the high school prom the strangely enticing Natasha Bedingfield was seen inviting herself to on national television.

The truth is, the producers feel (if those last two words are not a total contradiction), that Little David has been outperformed, outwitted and outmanaged and they simply don’t know how to get through to his clan with a plan.

The right-on rocker versus the cute crooner.

That was their intention for the pulsating final.

Now it may all just be tears in hell.

Show business. Why would anyone push their children into it?

Well, almost anyone.

The Pond thanks Dideo for his evocation of Fournication.

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21 Comments

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21 responses to “Exclusive. American Idol Rock And Roll Song Choices Shock Producers.

  1. Judy C

    I notice there are ZERO comments on your latest rant – cannot imagine why! So, let me be the first to say “You’re my hero!” Did you not read the part where the Colombians come after those who malign their lovely dreadlocked son – with machetes? And yet, you continue to poke fun at sweet, goofy Jason. You’re so brave. (swoon) But, warnings come from other areas as well for those who would disparage our blue eyed one. Perhaps you’ve forgotten that Jason is from Texas where every single person has a weapon – on them! I will miss you Pond Scum, er Culture!

    Tears in Hell – my fav song choice for David A.

    Quit trying to drum up support for Syesha. No one likes her, she’s like a cookie cutter entertainer who sings OK, looks OK and will do OK on her upcoming cruise ship gig.

    Who am I forgetting?

    Anyway, here I go again: anyone who really believes that simply having a good singing voice is enough to win AI and have a successful career as a pop star obviously has been living in Wales these last 7 years.

    Here’s how it goes: David Cook, really good voice (sorta 90’s sounding) but good; looks a bit like a Kewpie doll in the face, not really a rock persona, and the hair is beyond dreadful. Score – 6 out of a possible 10 on the “Requirements for an AI Win and Successful Pop Music Career” scale.

    David A: ZERO on the RFAIWSPMC scale – Come on! what’s his first CD gonna be, “Songs My Father Loved”? And David, spit out that bat’s head at once, young man. And quit walking in on people in the bathroom. Besides I heard he’s reuniting with his old boy band “Menudo”.

    Syesha – 1/2 of a point – get thee gone to some
    off Broadway production.

    Jason – 9 points! Yes I said NINE!! Not a strong vocalist by anyone’s standards, plus he has had only 4-5 really inspired song choices/performances so far. But Lordy, Lordy, he is the proud owner of almost the entire package. “Almost” referring to that pesky “limited vocal ability” issue. And yet, he is so lovely, so sweet and so appealing to females of many different age levels, (in particular the AI voting demographic), plus so many of us have already downloaded his songs off iTunes that I can only think any CD he released would sell like Colombian hotcakes. It is SHOW business, Pond – may I call you Pond? SHOW me the crystal blue eyes and long curly eyelashes, show me the sculptured cheekbones and flawless Latin skin, show me the full red lips and long flowing dreads, and show me real feelings when Jason softly sing. Be still my…..insert your own organ here.

  2. Judy C

    Oops! PS

    I meant to say insert your own organ CHOICE here.

  3. thespine11

    Judy,

    I am beginning to worry about you.

    There you are, an independently wealthy 32-year-old, driving around Texas in your silver Jag (do you find, as I did, that all the bits made in the US are great and all the bits made in Castle Bromwich are just terrible?) with your gun in your jeans-belt and heart set on nookie with Jason Castro.

    How is your social life, Judy?

    Remember, you came top of your class, you moved around the world, and then you returned to copious smiles.

    Are there no Jasons in your immediate vicinity? Do you hang out at the Mansion at Turtle Creek and grade the waiters as you do the Idol contestants?

    I am very worried, Judy. Very worried indeed.

  4. Judy C

    Awwww, thespine11, I’m feeling the love. But don’t worry about me, just SEEMS like I’m an antisocial, lazy, friendless snob, but not really. I’m just an insomniac. BTW, you should never put a woman’s age (real or otherwise) in PRINT, no matter how much she opposes your weighty views on American Idol. When you actually see the numbers in black and white – well, it hurts thespine, it hurts!

    No, not independent, have a husband & kids, nor precisely wealthy either. Social life’s fine, got our buds, we all went to see Iron Man yesterday – I adore Robert Downey but couldn’t quit staring at Jeff Bridges – wasn’t there aother, better looking Jeff? Good movie – funny.

    Ok, I’ll play: Turtle Creek??? OMG! You really never have been here have you? TC is so last year. (Altho, across the street from the Mansion is The Old Warsau Restaurant which is still the best DFW has to offer in dining – no kidding this time.) Anyway, now its is all about Victory Park (home of the Ghost Bar) and Southlake – the “new cool”. How am I doing on the shallowness meter so far? I love meters!

    Ok, enough, let’s get down to it! No, “IT” is not Jason, (you caught me – if I admit I’m drooling over him and don’t care whether he can sing a lick, can we be friends again? Besides he DOES live in my immediate area – and DO NOT warn him!)

    The “IT” I’m referring to is the car “bit” issue. What year and model is your Cat, and what “bits” are bad? All my bits are fine, so far , I only just got it.

    Quit making fun of me, that’s very English and is not nice! Funny, but not nice. See, I’m laughing WITH you. Besides, I’m happy to say my story is mostly true – not gonna put in the boring (kids, gardening, dog groomers, etc.) and bad stuff, now am I? And I didn’t say nor imply that sitting around watching and laughig at people was my ONLY project. And I WAS cum laude, thank you very much!

    Anyway, the only thing wrong with my car is the cabin NOISE. (and it’s mechanics, not waiters I like to grade). Who knew Jaguar would make such a lovely car, with such a lovely motor and then forget to seal up the cabin? Yours loud too? What to do?

    BTW, I keep my gun (cute little blue 22) in my purse, no room in the jeans. Anywhere in Texas you can buy a “gun purse” at Bass Pro Shops or other sporting goods store. Pretty neat, looks like just a regular purse but there’s a secret slot in the middle that holds the weapon securely but allows for a fast draw. (Is she serious??) Yes, but as much as I’d like to say I do, I own neither a gun nor a gun purse.

    Hope you continue our correspondence. You and your blogs and e-mail are the funniest and most clever, if misguided, of all – I need the stimulation! Gotta go, Kentucky Derby party going on here. Yes, I can multi-task – besides, its my husband’s party.

    Ok, I”m back, Big Brown won and 8 Bells broke both front legs and had to be put down immediately after the race. I swear I’m not ever watching again, that’s just too awful to see.

  5. thespine11

    And now PETA are claiming it was the jockey’s fault.

    That’s like people blaming me for the fact that they don’t laugh. How can that possibly be my fault?

    The Jag- well, I gave it back.

    It was the same kind as yours, and the vents kept rattling inside. Which seemed to defeat the point of having a nice, quiet Jag.

    Five times they claimed they’d fixed it.

    Five times they were full of it.

    The vents were made in Castle Bromwich, naturally.

    You called me misguided.

    Misguided? Moi?

    Whatever do you mean?

  6. Judy C

    Even tho I broke up with you, I’m unable to sleep cuz I couldn’t stop thinking about dead horses, so I’m doing a little somnolent commenting – we are NOT getting back together, it’s just a friendly chat.

    BTW, Moi, how DO you find time to do this silly blog? I can’t get my head around the connection between domestic violence in Poland and American Idol. You must be an UBER over achiever, a workaholic AND an insominac. I mean I’ve heard of multi-tasking, but to me that means driving and talking on my “hands free” phone at the same time. Slow down dude, you gotta be getting too old for all this. Give up at least one of your 50 jobs, OK? And, may I suggest it be the misguided David Archuleta cheering section job?

    Anyway….

    Despite PETA’s claims that the jockey is to blame for the injury and subsequent euthanasia of filly Eight Belles after yesterday’s Kentucky Derby
    I say it’s Nigel’s fault and that Paula knew about it b4 it happened.

    Seriously tho I keep seeing that filly faltering after passing the wire – and it’s still very shocking to me, especially when viewed on an enormous HD screen – it’s like I was there at the track, and didn’t want to be, like someone slipped some X in my mint julep.

    I vote for a ban on all interaction between humans and animals – except for me and my Rat Terrier, Spot.com (bought him from an internet breeder ya see). The animals are always the losers. We seem to have this need to make them bigger, faster, stronger, and almost always forget something major in the redesign, like bone structure for instance.

    In another episode of “When Humans Attack”, today I saw some photos taken over the weekend of all the remaining Idols on a field trip to the Mirage Hotel in Vegas. They were all KISSING dolphins?! Dolphins are mammals, right, so it’s not exactly inter-species romance, but close enuf. Why, oh why would any sane person think a dolphin wants to be kissed by a human? Not to mention the ECK factor, cuz I’ve been kissed by some fishy characters in my day and I certainly don’t recommend it for others. Step away from the dolphin!

    And, speaking of fish, David Cook’s legs are “fish belly white”. Seriously dude, get some sun, visit a tanning booth, or even use Coppertone QT lotion, something.

    What else? Oh yes, did I hear sometihng about the Pond expanding their AI coverage? Now that’s seriously cool cuz you’re funny if misg…well, you know. But how will you manage yet another project and you with no car? I’m not giving mine back, btw. Too much fun to drive. The slight wind noise can be moderated by closing the little sun roof slide thingy and turning up the Alpine sound system. But still, ya’d think for the price it’d be quieter inside, in fact – soundless. The Jag people assure me it’s all about sleek body style and powerful engines, and little details like wind noise – why would a serious “driving machine” owner care? I don’t, really, especially if I can’t get it fixed.

    Ok, thanks for making me sleepy. BTW, any REAL idea what the kids are singing Tuesday? I’d love to hear me some Beachboys as sung by our resident hippie boy, Jason “the face” Castro – God Only Knows, and say, Kokomo? He could play his uke agian! You know you love him.

  7. thespine11

    But, Judy,

    Finding the time? Oh, you have to, don’t you? This is an experiment. And an interesting one. I am sure I don’t go to as many parties as you. And I am equally sure I don’t have as many children as you..(although I’m not sure I’ll ever know how many….:))

    I wrote to you, as any pen pal would, at your lfc******@sbcetcetc address.

    Don’t tell me I ended up in your trash.

    Now that would be unbecoming…

    You heard about me expanding my AI coverage? Where? You think this could actually be expanded? How? Pray tell.

    I do have a car. Just not that one any more.

    And now to Starbucks…

  8. dashing4

    Hi Pond Boy,

    Just dropped by for a laugh and I hate to tell you this..your blog this week was way too long and wordy and I just got lost. I mean it Dawg, it was just okay, I mean it didn’t do much for me. I am not mad at you or anything, it just didn’t blow me away. (takes a drink and looks away)

    Oh, Pond Boy, let me first say this! I LOVED the picture you posted of the dueling Davids. That was so fun and I loved the colors you used. But well, this week, I don’t know how to say this, you just weren’t in your usual zone, but you are still a beautiful, colorful(my favorite colors) person and so many people probably love you this week, just not me.

    Uh, Pond Boy, it was very old-fashioned, very wordy, I felt like I was in a high school speech class when the speaker had trouble getting out their words and just kept blathering on and on. Didn’t like it. SORRY!

    Now my words for today….We just be TAKIN CARE OF BUSINESS in Castroville…
    Bring on Castro this week, Baby..just you wait…bring it on Jason.. show em what those Texas boys are made of…yep, you don’t Mess with Texas and that’s a fact.

    Now, I am off to Starbucks! (smile, smile)

  9. dashing4

    Forgot to say that your blog for next week didn’t blow me away either. It left me kind of empty inside and it shows me that you aren’t trying anymore to be funny. Come on, get in there and fight!

  10. Judy C

    noooooo! Surely my evil computer did not trash you? It is set to delete unrecognized mail, but I checked in trash and unless it came in as an ad for Sam’s Club, PetSmart
    or for Erectile Dysfunction meds, I cannot find your reply. Re-send please cuz you are currently one of only a few pen pals left who are still “speaking” to me, so to speak. Altho I really don’t mind hashing out our differences in the public eye, I’m an exhibitionist at heart, you may have noticed. But you, as a persoon who doesn’t get many party invitations, well I can understand your wish for privacy. Why must you continue to mock me Pond, why?

  11. thespine11

    Oh, Dashing,

    I am now in depression. So much so that I might download an Archie ditty.

    I am so sorry.

    I try to appeal to people’s more intelligent side.

    I am sorry if you feel I overdid it.

    I will try harder.

    However, my blog for next week? Next week?

    What was in the drink you just took?

  12. thespine11

    Judy,

    Resent. But in depression over Dashing. I hate letting people down.

    I will have to work even harder.

    See, fingers, pies, pressure to perform.

    It is not easy being me.

    Much easier being you.

  13. dashing4

    POND BOY!!! SAY IT ISN’T SO!!

    I just read on a blog at Hollywood Insider at EW that you were quoted saying you were “ready to leave the Pond” and you thought the people who commented on your blog were “weird”! WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT? I’ve tried to support you and read your long winded blogs for 2 straight weeks now! ARE YOU REALLY READY TO GIVE UP? Just because you’ve had 2 lame weeks, doesn’t mean you should throw in the towel!

    I’m surprised at you. You should know better than to talk to pond scum anyway. They like to make people look bad. You will learn that the things people are saying about you won’t hurt as much in time, because you used to it.

    Back to your recent blog..It didn’t appeal to my intelligent side or any side for that matter. Just too wordy and not as funny as last week. Hopefully you will take my advice and make the ones in the future better, because I don’t even recognize you anymore.

    As for next week’s blog, someone told me that it wasn’t any good…should I have listened to them?

  14. Judy C

    Do not listen to dashing (except for the part about Jason “bringing it” on Tuesday night -that part is true).

    Yor’re not too wordy at all, in fact I want MORE old fashioned words from the Pond, tell us what you think, what you really really think. Altho, the word “ditty” might be cause for alarm in some people, could in fact be the basis of the “old fashioned” accusation made by dashing. Or the David Archuleta part could be scaring some folks too.
    I have suggested b4 that you quit your job as cheerleader for DA because since the Lawrence Welk show went off the air there is just no market for his warbling, so I don’t really see him taking home the gold. And then there you’ll be with your giant foam finger with the words “ALL THE WAY WITH DAVID A” written on it and no where to wave it.

  15. thespine11

    Judy, meet Dashing. Dashing, meet Judy. Can you argue amongst yourselves a little? I have work to do, but will be back later.

    When have I ever been a Little David cheerleader? I ask you.

    You are both funny, though.

    It is a relief to discover that. Truly. More than you would ever know.

  16. dashing4

    Oh yes, I’d love to see you waving that foam finger for David A. That would just be great.

    BUT, personally I’d like to see you wear one of those big foam cowboy hats and hear you shouting for the Texas boy. You know who I’m talking about…

    Interesting, last week I assumed Judy was a David A. fan, but now I see she knows whassup…get yourself over to AI boards Judy and join the party in Castroville.. Its a good one, real good one. You can come too, Pond Boy, but you have to be nice or you’ll get thrown out so fast it would make your froggy head spin.

    Now, I am going to read your new post and see if you can make me laugh this time…

  17. thespine11

    The mere thought of me being on an Idol Forum. They wouldn’t know what to make of me.

    I am sorry, but shouting for Castro would be a little like passing wind for peace.

    Dashing, I assume you are a Texas girl like Judy.

    Do you have a gun? And one of those funny purses to hide it in?

  18. gailer

    is there something wrong with this writer?

  19. thespine11

    Gailer,

    Hello. Welcome. Though you appear confused.

    Please don’t worry.

    The Pond’s uncanny exegesis will come to you in time.

    Really.

    And you will be the better for it.

    Ask Dashing. Ask JudyC.

    They have been uplifted. Indeed, they have asked me if I will come and give a sermon at their Church in Texas next Sunday.

    My spirit is willing.

  20. Shereeda

    i was terribly scared for David C cause this is his genre ..thx heavens he pulled it off…. luved the 2nd song more than 1st though(

    Jason C was a total disaster.. im sorry but dont think his cuteness gonna save him….

    Syesaha really pulled all strings with the tears and the song being written during civil war ..soo here comes patriatic votes!!!

    now i seriously cant get y Randy said everytime David A comes on he’s produces amazin vocals.. come on i know they like the guy but that’s that’s just wrong.. david a forgot his words, last wk was called amatuerish which it was.. and u tellin me he’s ALWAYS bring it? gemme a break…

  21. thespine11

    Shereeda,

    If David C pulled off anything, then perhaps he pulled off an early exit from this carnival.

    I hope you’re right about Jason, but his fans are, well, very much in heat.

    No, Little David doesn’t bring it every week. But last night he brought more than the other three.

    Which wasn’t a lot.

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