I have just returned from Vegas.
And I, for one, am happy that what happened there stayed there.
I am not one for fish-kissing, even though I thought David Archuleta puckered up almost as if he meant it.
He has had much practice, one supposes.
It is wonderful to be back on the Left Coast and feel the right-on vibes of yet another week of throwback.
Or, more precisely, throw back your head and scream.
The Idol Wallahs put their dirty sneakers down and declared that the Rock And Roll Hall of Fame List of 500 Arbitrary Choices of Old Drug-Addled People was the only one they would permit the four amphibian-snoggers to choose from.
It is a list for the ages. For the aged, in fact.
David Cook has always been in touch with his historical side. So he was able to feel his way easily past the Bob Dylans and the Four Seasons.
However, his biggest problem is that so many of the songs on the list are sung by very distinctive artists.
And he’s already done Michael Jackson. Which, apparently, Michael enjoyed.
David’s eyes last night drooped upon the phenomenal anthem “War” by Edwin Starr. Here is a song with a message and a purpose.
Which is far better than a Sunday with a messy little porpoise.
What is it good for? Absolutely nothing.
For his second song, David of course thought hard about singing “Anarchy in the UK”, with its opening line “I AM THE ANTI-CHRIST!”
He felt this would help to distinguish him from David Archuleta in the eyes and ears of some of the lesser-witted fans.
However, finally he has plumped for “The House of the Rising Sun”. This Animals classic will help him connect with the slightly older, plumper, more conservative couch vegetable.
He will also be able to growl at them under the guise of rock integrity. What could be more life-affirming and heart-warming?
Syesha Mercado also felt that this was the week for songs with a message.
After all, the show is sharing a timeslot with the North Carolina and Indiana Democratic primaries, so she has to do something to woo the tired voters of the Midwest and South.
She sought out “A Change Is Gonna Come” by Sam Cooke.
Surprisingly, David Archuleta, or at least someone with that last name, also wanted the song. Syesha was forced to bend down and give him her most benign Broadway charm-pout before ushering him towards some Billy Joel.
Or so she hoped.
Her second song? How could she possibly resist Patsy Cline’s “I Fall To Pieces” as an homage to Brooke?
Very easily, actually. Syesha has chosen bravely- Joe Cocker’s “With A Little Help From My Friends.”
This is a song into which she can insert more notes than Lord Lloyd Webber would have liked to insert into Jason Castro’s feelings and vocal chords. And in an especially particular order too.
What of the Happy Dreader?
Yes, inside he is still dreading this week. But in a good way.
Of course, there has been much pressure on him to eschew Pete Seeger and gravitate to the warm waters of Simon and Garfunkel. So much pressure that Jason has scarcely been able to hear any tune in his head other than “The Sounds of Silence.”
So he has decided to try an extremely laid-back version of The Crystals’ “Da Doo Ron Ron.”
Of course, he has to change the lyrics a little. But no one has ever tried to take on Phil Spector with a banjo.
Although I know of several who wish they had tried.
For Jason’s second, and many (oh, not me) are suggesting, final song, Jason will be warbling The Byrds’ “Mr. Tambourine Man”.
How could he not? It has fabulous lyrics like ‘jingle-jangle’ and ‘I’m not sleepy and there is no place I’m going to..’
Speaking of going places, what of the favorite of every fan who has ever had elective medical surgery, David Archuleta?
He has been gently coaxed away from the works of Ozzie Osbourne, clear of Chuck Berry and towards Gerry and the Pacemakers’ pleasantly uplifting “How Do You Do It?”
Just as David was ready to find the religious overtone of this lyric, he espied “Rock And Roll Part 2” by Gary Glitter.
“They play it at every football game,” he was heard to enthuse. “It will enhance my rocker credentials.”
“David,” said an English voice from the Idol Crew. “Gary Glitter was found guilty of pedophilia.”
Stunned into silence, David finally accepted advice. Although one has to have huge sympathy with him as there are hardly any songs on the List that even remotely suit his voice, his morals, his age or even his strangely inexpensive-looking jackets.
You can’t exactly wear one of those and sing Mott the Hoople’s “All The Young Dudes”, can you?
So David will be attempting The Moody Blues’ “Nights In White Satin.” Which is still sung today by the 62-year-old gusto-filled Justin Hayward.
I wish Jason the very best of luck with never reaching the end on this one.
For his encore he will, quite naturally, be the balladeer who slays us with “Bridge Over Troubled Water,” Simon and Garfunkel’s epic.
The first words sealed it for David: “When you’re weary, feeling small…”
If only he could have mustered the gumption to truly express himself through the Smiths’ “Heaven Knows I’m Miserable Now.”
Ah, heaven knows how hard it is to get what one wants in life.
The Pond thanks Simon Koleznik for his depiction of the contemporary rocker.