How we all got here, I’ll never know.
Weeks of amusement- well, at least for me- now culminate in three highly ambitious individuals and one modest parent fighting it out for a crown that has more thorns than a depressive rose salesman on crack.
Let me begin by saying that all those who have peddled the noxious falsehood that Jeff Archuleta is an oppressive father should choke on their polenta scones.
There is absolutely no truth to the rumor that Mr. Archuleta verbally assaulted two members of the dirty-sneakered Idol Brigade and fourteen members of a visiting high school orchestra when he heard that Paula Abdul had chosen Billy Joel’s “And So It Goes” as her selection for his son’s dulcet tonsils.
“And So It Goes” is a wistful little ode, sung by a world-weary man whose life has not turned out quite as he would have liked.
How could anyone not think this would be the perfect song for the eerily cheerful young boy who faces the world every day with a happy smile and eyes that whisper a scream?
For those who truly believe that Paula chose this song all alone, might my caustic side refer you to a line from this Billy Joel song: “My silence is my self-defense”?
Given that Mr. Archuleta appears to have been sent to the Idol Doghouse, is there anyone alive who might imagine that the dirty-sneakered ones might make things a little more onerous for Little David to become the little victor?
I am on the side of the producers. Life is very difficult for them.
In their hearts, whose password access code only their accountants have seen, they feel that the most money can be made from Little David. He has the broadest appeal demographically.
And Simon Cowell has never been one for the subtle sell. He does seem like the sort of chap who would have sidled up to a young Madonna and asked her to be a member of the Spice Girls.
Yet, on the other hand, if by some unimaginably fair process Little David does win, can they look forward to endless years of daily negotiations with Pere Archuleta?
But what is the alternative?
David Cook and Syesha Mercado simply don’t represent quite as much mass appeal as the Altar Child.
Of course David Cook will take Roberta Flack’s “The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face” and give it a little rocker’s botox.
I will take a wild guess that the song will start slowly and then build to a moving crescendo.
But it will still be alternative music rather than altarnative.
Who amongst us can imagine a David Cook Christmas Album?
So please feel the deep-seated pain of the producers as they watch the ratings slide like an ornery grandfather into a Florida swimming pool.
On whom should they bet their dwindling assets? On Syesha?
The alleged choice of Randy Jackson for Syesha smacks of extremely sensitive profiling.
“Hey, Syesha. You’re young and black. Alicia sounds like Syesha. She’s young and black. And she’s in the charts. So have at it, dawg.”
How on earth is she supposed to make this song even vaguely original? I know, a cappella with a midget gospel choir. And Jeff Archuleta on sax.
Have the producers made their choice? Are they setting the enraptured nation up for a shock this week, so that we can have that most controversial of Grand Finales next week?
Ah, but we haven’t even discussed the other two songs the Intrepid Three will rain down upon us on Tuesday.
One of which has been labeled “The Producers’ Choice.”
Perhaps that might give us an even better clue.
We will discuss this further after school tomorrow. It is only fair to Little David.
The Pond thanks manitou2121 for his image of an inflated ego.