Idol Producers’ Song Choices Produce Concerns For May 13.

There they sat, in their offices with walls covered in expensive art and chins covered in whipped cream from a second dessert.

They knew that the songs they chose for the three remaining Idol Finalists could make or break their careers.

Imagine how complicated it was.

Do you choose the songs that you think they will perform best? Or do you choose something that few people will know, one of those songs that should have been a hit, but never was yet still could be in the pristine throat of, for example, David Archuleta?

Or do you choose something just to rankle the innards of an elder Archuleta?

A Dan Fogelberg song, perhaps?

Rather like this site, you ask yourself very carefully what it all really means.

Why would anyone choose “Longer” by a singer/songwriter who died so tragically?

Is this the song that will bring Little David into the 21st Century? I am told his arranger, his voice coach, his father and the owner of the Utah Jazz are all currently expounding at great length on this subject. Calls have been made to Rupert Murdoch, Mitt Romney, Tom Cruise, Courtney Love and Josh Groban.

I will merely say that this is the perfect choice for the singer whom all of America would dearly love to hold and not give back.

It is as modern and happening as a party in which sex, drugs, drink, slow dancing, lip-puckering and talking back to nuns are all banned.

But what Greek Gifts do the Producers have for the other two finalists?

You remember, Sensible David and Syesha.

It is interesting that their families have chosen, like the exemplary parents of last year’s 17-year-old winner, Jordin Sparks, to reduce their exposure to stage rage by cloaking themselves in the background curtain.

There is only one song any sensible producer could give Syesha Mercado, whose effort and dignity have been an inspiration to America’s ignored.

That song is “Part Time Love” by Gladys Knight and the Pips. This is truly one of the great emotional (and short) songs of all time.

So it will not surprise you that Syesha was today blessed with Willie Nelson’s “Mama, Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up To Be Cowboys”.

What were those producers thinking? Were they thinking?

Oh, yes. They are always thinking.

Surely you can see the crossover potential. Crossover means money. Money crosses over to more cars, more shows, more sneakers that you can dirty.

Actually, they hadn’t really considered it until one of the gaffers on the set, who is from Rogersville, Tennessee, hummed it as he went out for the twentieth cigarette of his arduous day.

Then the light bulb of pecuniary tumescence went off in the wise men’s heads.

If you get the black vote and the country vote, then perhaps you have a chance at an enchilada of considerable proportions.

Of course, there are those who think Willie’s Mama song about parental control is but a mean, oblique swipe at the Archuleta Family.

Are there any swipes other than mean ones?

David Cook, as many have already conjectured, has been blessed with “American Woman”, a song that is perhaps most famous for having squeezed people into Tommy Hilfiger Jeans and slicked them into Castrol motor oil.

Which means it will fit very well into Fox’s demands for a fair and balanced relationship between singing and advertising. With as much as ninety seconds being devoted to singing.

“American Woman” is actually a Canadian song, an anti-war song and a song that was covered, if that be the right word, by the Butthole Surfers.

You might be aware that Lenny Kravitz gave it his best Jason Castro impersonation. But this is a Guess Who original.

I wonder if we can already play Guess Who Will Be Going Home Come Wednesday.

Not I.

I will merely continue to dedicate myself to the gentility of the unvarnished. Even when I force myself to watch the show. It has been suggested I complement it with Texan wine this week.

I think I will let Texas stick to westerns and the Westerns stick to creating cabernet.

Although I am always willing to be persuaded otherwise.

The Pond bows down to scillystuff for his evocation of the Final Curtain.


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