American Idol Live Blog May 13. (Sponsored by TIVO And The Italian Wine Industry.)

The tension is unbearable.

Which, I fear, may describe the rest of the evening.

So in order not to commence this profound historical experience in a negative frame of mind, I have opened a bottle of rose from the Alto Adige.

For those who have never slept with an Italian or believed anything one has ever told them, the Alto Adige is the part of Northern Italy that isn’t very far from Austria.

Which is the country where Hitler was born.

The contestants appear. Syesha looks sophisticated. Little David looks like he has been styled by Carson Kressley’s first boyfriend.

It lasted a week.

Little David commences a cappella. His hair is pointing towards Mexico. “And So It Goes” is a song for someone who has seen a little in life.

Little David sings it like a seven-year-old who has been told to learn some Walt Whitman and recite it the next day.

The notes are there. The notability has gone online and booked a last-minute flight to Hawaii.

Now it’s Syesha.

Here’s the thing. I know she has sung this Alicia Keys song on Canadian television before. So Randy’s claims of inspiration for having chosen this are as genuine as his claim to have only a thirty-eight inch bust.

The chorus overwhelms her half way through. The performance sounded very much like the original. This is not a good thing.

Moreover, this was predicted by a certain Pond Resident just a couple of days ago.

David Cook appears. He has a sense of humor. So much so that he is able to let his eyes give away just how little he would like to be here.

He starts slowly and lyrically. And then it speeds up towards something a little more raspy.

I am so stunned I have to lie on my sofa in the fetal position. Which is like the fecal position, except lying down.

As I turn my head towards my surround sound I am just in time for the obligatory valedictory high note.

Big David doesn’t exactly hit all the notes Roberta did. Exactly.

However, his self-presentation puts the Stanislavsky Method to shame.

He has decided to be that plumber that everyone wants to shag on “Desperate Housewives”. And he plays it beautifully.

Little David returns with an attempt to sing something from the 21st Century.

This performance is a little like watching someone have sex after reading a handbook.

A handbook on car maintenance.

I cannot decide what is the greater tragedy- watching this poor, unguided youth fight his deep discomfort, or imagining his father’s wrath should the youth fail to win this increasingly discomforting competition.

Syesha chooses something from fifty years ago, Peggy Lee’s “Fever”. She sings well but instead of selling the song, she decides to sell sex.

Who does she think she is? Ashlee Simpson? Or perhaps Jessica Simpson?

Whichever, there was certainly no need for Jessica Rabbit.

Now for David Cook. And, er, something that has been accused of being Christian Rock.

Big David has switched songs at a late stage.

Ah, but he has his crucifix- the white Gibson.

He has a problem with length. How absurd to claim this is a singing competition when the commercials last five minutes and the singing lasts ninety seconds.

Cookus Interruptus. (Will someone please translate for Little David?)

Now for the filthy-footed producers’ choices.

Little David and Dan Fogelberg’s “Longer”.

I once spent two hours trapped in the deepest elevator shaft in London. This ninety seconds brought back the slight bilious aftertone of that experience. This was enough to make an asthmatic look forward to an attack.

His singing is breathier than a sixty-year-old hooker. His performance is as forgettable as the five minutes you spent with her. Which included four minutes looking for the right change.

Simon Cowell tells David he has done enough.

I have to agree. He has done enough to set music back at least forty years.

I blame the parents.

For once, I am glad of the commercial break, as the Lagrein Rose has felt neglected.

Syesha again. More sex. And many, many wayward sounds. Apparently the song is from “Happy Feet.”

Of course the producers want her to win.

Just as they want to give up their all worldly possessions and live the rest of their lives in a field just outside Ulan Bator.

Syesha will, unfortunately, have a use for her happy feet tomorrow.

The Rocksmith ends with Aerosmith.

He declares that he doesn’t want to miss a thing.

He is lying.

He would rather be in a Missouri bar swigging his whiskey and ginger with his married friends describing their latest swinger experience.

Rockers can miss notes and get away with it. Big David does and Big David does.

Big David is the winner because he can make you believe he is actually enjoying being up there.

He went to theater school, right?

I am sure the Results Show will be a cliffhanger.

Great movie, that. Like “Armageddon”.

The Pond thanks audreyjm529 for her graphic depiction of Idolatry.

Advertisements

10 Comments

Filed under Uncategorized

10 responses to “American Idol Live Blog May 13. (Sponsored by TIVO And The Italian Wine Industry.)

  1. Nice writing style. Looking forward to reading more from you.

    Chris Moran

  2. Dr. Phil

    Love to hear how the situation in the elevator went:) Very funny blog:)

  3. thespine11

    Ah, Dr. Phil,

    you are but a phlatterer.

    but very kind of you all the same.

    the situation in the elevator ended with most of the people in it taking most of their clothes off.

    and one woman being taken to hospital.

  4. dashing4

    Bravo, Pondie! You described last night’s show exactly as it was.. Its all so suspenseful, isn’t it?

    I liked how Simon congratulated himself for picking “The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face” for David C. He must really like that song, because guess what? His little pet, Leona Lewis also covered that song. He wants people like you to download both versions off of Itunes.. But I have to ask you not to do that Pondie. I know it will be hard, because you are mesmerized by Leona, but don’t fall for Simon’s sneaky plan. Its all about the cash, in case you didn’t know. Frogs don’t always get these things.

    Syesha really was pulling out her “actressin” skills last night. All kinds of accents and moves. She was set up though. Who sings a song about penguins and who even remembered or wanted to hear that song again?

    Little David singing Chris Brown, was well, just a little awkward. When he was singing the “and you, and you and you” part I thought he was going Mormon on us, but then realized he was just singing to one girl.

    To me, the whole night was just missing something..and you know who it was…and I’m still waiting for you to acknowledge him..

    Peace Out Pond Boy!
    Dashing

  5. thespine11

    Yes, Dashing,

    I am mezmerized by Leona. You know me so well. Thank you for trying to protect me.

    How ugly when the judges did an advert for iTunes.

    Little David does not sing to girls.

    He is, to use his own words, on a Mission.

  6. Judy C

    Miss me? managed to mishandle my computer to the point that not even the ATT techs from India can fix it, try tho they may. Following a bit of the dialog: “hello, I am your ATT senior technician, Mahatmacoatandgaloshes, but you may call me Elvis”. None of my dialog is available as I was too busy howling. Anyway, my poor computer is on her way back to Gateway for repair, and I’m doing laptop time.

    Having given up on AI I can only say that I’m SURE everything you wrote was exactly correct. All I can comment on from your diatribe is – Italians: like ’em, their food, their wine and their shoes. Oh yeah, and like the Pope too. Altho, strictly speaking he’s not Italian but German, but like you, he’s lived there so long he’s become one of ’em. Not that you’re German or Italian, or a Pope for that matter, (are you?)but you get my drift.

    Ok, fine, no prayers for you. I wasn’t looking forward to that resounding “WHO?” when I mentioned your name anyway. But you did ask for prayers if you recall.

    Jason was his usual funny, humble self on Regis, in spite of Kelly leering at him and trying to pet him. One humorous bit was the producers putting various “hair do” overlays on a pic of Jason – best one was a gigantic Afro. He sang “Over the Rainbow” with a bit less magic than the iTunes version with all the strings, but he was still more interesting and funny in his 15 minutes of Regis air than all 3 remaining contestants combined putting on their best for a solid hour.

    My life is what it is, feel free to mock . BTW, did you know that the state bird of Texas is …..you guessed it, the Mocking Bird. Anyway, who am I to deny anyone their simple pleasures? And yet, a fairly normal, healthy, mostly content, middle class family is hardly “perfect”, is it? If I write about skateboard wipeouts, ailing relatives, and my bad knee would that help? It’s a bit boring, sorta like watching AI. If you don’t start another topic besides AI I shall have to break up with you yet again.

  7. thespine11

    Hah, Judy.

    You ARE the state bird of Texas, aren’t you? How lovely.

    Yes, I must find another topic. I will make that one of the challenges for the week.

    I am always open to suggestion.

    Skateboarding wipeouts? Dear God. They skateboard to church?

    What is the next exotic thing you have to look forward to? Perhaps some journey? Or perhaps some assignation?

  8. Judy C

    They actually skateborad IN church! There’s a half pipe right right in the main aisle and the boarders are accompanied by the choir and organ. It’s a youth oriented progressive church ya see, one that panders to the world of multi-taskers, so we get to pray, sing and “surf” all at the same time.

    Im a little bored, Frog. No assignations, nothing exotic at all. I do have a “to-do” this coming weekend, me and the Mr. hosting a swim party/cook-out next Sunday. Then an extravaganza on the 31st at a pal’s lake house, and also a few school functions. But then nothing else interesting for awhile. At least until June 19 when I’m flying West for a two week visit to your neck of the woods. Flying in to Seattle for a few days, then gathering sister and niece and heading down the ole Pacific Coast Hwy all the way to SF, with stops wherever we like, but for sure a stay in the Mt.Shasta/Trinity Alps area where a relative owns an orchard. Then pushing on to see pals in San Jose and SF.

    Should be lotsa girl fun, leaving the whole clan at home this trip. Mr. Husband says he’s seen enuf of CA to last a lifetime so what’s a glir to do when her coolest relatives live out West?

    What about you? Any assignations, exotic or otherwise planned? Going home this summer? Hey, you could turn your blog into a travel site. Nah, boring. I just don’t know what to tell ya. Even tho you’ve gotten a lotta mileage out of AI it’s over on Tuesday, right? You could always make fun of Nigel and the dance crowd. That could make for some interesting responses, those dance people are real freaks.

    I promise I will go back to my usual format of only one entry at a time hereafter. It’s 3am and I have no idea what I’m writing, so I’m off to beddy-bye.

  9. Megan

    You make me laugh so hard I pee myself.

  10. thespine11

    Megan,

    I wasn’t even going to bother to liveblog tonight’s nonsense.

    But your very kind message has made me change my mind.

    If I can contribute to making just one person’s pants wet, my mission is worthwhile.

    And I will dedicate tonight’s depiction of the grim inevitability to you.

    Thank you.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s