In Westerns, actors say everything with their eyes.
In Western Los Angeles, innocent bystanders on the set of America’s most impassioned show are reading wicked thoughts into the ocular nuances darted by Jeff Archuleta, father of Little David.
Those glances, more Kalashnikov than dagger in nature, are wafting exclusively in the direction of Nigel Lythgoe, father of Diminishing American Idol.
Mr. Lythgoe committed a sin.
According to witnesses, he first began to tap his dirty shoes to the rhythm of one of David Cook’s somewhat croaky rehearsals.
Karacroacky, as one of my agents put it.
Mr. Archuleta, a man who has kept his favoritism discreetly concealed beneath a cap that one can only hope has received arid cleaning, believed that Mr. Lythgoe’s foot-tapping revealed favoritism.
Strangely, on this one occasion, Mr. Archuleta decided to express his feelings.
One who was there suggested that his face bore an uncanny resemblance to Naomi Campbell’s shortly before helping her assistant remember her chiropractor’s phone number.
By throwing her cellphone at her assistant’s head.
I have managed to obtain footage of their confrontation, taken by one of the Fox camerapersons during a commercial break in last Tuesday’s show.
And I have shown it to Merrill Twystham-Gentle, a renowned expert in facial expressions.
Here is her unexpurgated translation of what was communicated:
Jeff Archuleta: YOU’RE TAPPING YOUR FOOT TO DAVID COOK, YOU HEATHEN SOILBUCKET. THAT’S FAVORITISM.
Nigel Lythgoe: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, YOU TOTAL TOSSER?
Jeff Archuleta: I AM TALKING ABOUT YOUR FOOT TAPPING IN RHYTHM TO THAT TAWDRY DAUGHTRY. YOU DON’T WANT ME AND MY SON TO WIN. SO YOU’RE DOING EVERYTHING TO SABOTAGE US, YOU LIMEY LICENEST.
Nigel Lythgoe: HOW IS MY TAPPING FOOT SABOTAGING YOUR SON, YOU ARSEHOLE FROM HELLFIRE?
Jeff Archuleta: IT’S SENDING A SIGNAL TO EVERYONE THAT YOU LOVE HIS MUSIC MORE THAN DAVID’S.
Nigel Lythgoe: LOOK, YOU ORPHANED GOATHERD, I AM IN THE BUSINESS OF SELLING, RIGHT?
Jeff Archuleta: YOU’RE SELLING INIQUITOUS ROCK, THAT’S WHAT YOU’RE SELLING. YOUR CHAMPIONING OF THIS SCREAMING DEVIL-WORSHIP FORCED ME TO ALLOW MY DAVID TO LOWER HIMSELF TO SINGING WORDS LIKE “BOO” AND “BABY.” HOW CAN YOU DO THIS TO SUCH AN IMPRESSIONABLE BOY AND AN ANGEL OF THE LORD?
Nigel Lythgoe: LISTEN TO ME, YOU CELESTIAL SLIME. I AM NOT SELLING DAVID COOK. THE ONLY REASON I DON’T WANT YOUR BLOODY R2DAVID2 TO WIN IS BECAUSE HE’S GOT A NASTY LITTLE FUNDAMENTALIST MOSQUITO FOR A FATHER.
Jeff Archuleta: I RESENT THE WORD ‘LITTLE.’
Nigel Lythgoe: YOU ARE LITTLE. AND YOU’RE SMALL BLOODY MINDED TOO. DO YOU REALIZE THE SPECTACLE YOU ARE MAKING OF YOURSELF, YOU PATERFAMILIAS FROM PRICKVILLE? YOU ARE THE MOST HATED MAN IN AMERICA. EVEN COWELL HAS MADE HIMSELF MORE LIKEABLE THAN YOU. EVEN HAVE MY DINNER JACKET FROM IRAN WOULD GET MORE VOTES THAN YOU, YOU CURDLED BIRD-DROPPING.
Jeff Archuleta: I AM RISING, NOT DROPPING!!!! RISING WITH MY INCREDIBLY TALENTED SON.
Nigel Lythgoe: HE’S ABOUT AS TALENTED AS LITTLE JIMMY OSMOND. TALENT DOESN’T MATTER ALL THAT MUCH. IT’S HOW YOU SELL IT. AND RIGHT NOW MOST PEOPLE WHO VOTE FOR YOUR DAVID AREN’T LISTENING TO HIS SINGING. THEY WANT TO BLOODY ADOPT HIM. TO GET HIM AWAY FROM A TOSSPOT LIKE YOU.
Jeff Archuleta: YOU WILL BE DAMNED TO THE DEATH OF A THOUSAND HEAVENLY WATERBOARDINGS. YOU WILL BE TORN ASUNDER BY STALLIONS GALLOPING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS. YOU WILL BE STOMPED ON BY BIONIC BUFFALO AND YOUR FLESH WILL BE PICKED APART BY BATTERY-FARMED VULTURES AND AIDS-INFESTED LOCUSTS. YOUR BRAINS WILL BE FED TO THE DONKEYS AT SIX FLAGS. THIS WILL BE JUST AFTER MY SON’S FIRST ALBUM PRODUCED JOINTLY BY RANDY JACKSON AND MYSELF- RANDY HAS AGREED TO CONVERT- HAS SOLD MORE THAN ANY DRUG-FUELED BEATLES BLASPHEMY EVER DID.
Nigel Lythgoe: AND I WISH YOU THE LUCK OF A THOUSAND COUGARS IN A GAY BAR, DOGBREATH.
Jeff Archuleta: THANK YOU. THE COUGAR IS ONE OF GOD’S CHOSEN ANIMALS OF AGGRESSION. SO IF YOU’RE NOT SELLING DAVID COOK, WHAT ARE YOU SELLING?
Nigel Lythgoe: FINALLY, AN INTELLIGENT QUESTION. I TAP MY FEET FOR ONE REASON AND ONE REASON ONLY. ‘SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE’ STARTS NEXT WEEK. MY TAPPING IS WHAT WE IN THE BIZ CALL SUBLIMINAL ADVERTISING. YOU SHOULD TRY BEING SUBLIMINAL FOR A CHANGE, YOU RUSTY, DISCARDED FARM IMPLEMENT. YOU MIGHT FINALLY MAKE SOME BLOODY MONEY.
Jeff Archuleta: ‘SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE’? DAMN, I FORGOT. IS IT TOO LATE TO ENTER? IS THERE AN AGE LIMIT? EVERYONE SAYS I’M A GREAT DANCER. I CAN WALTZ. I CAN DO HIP-HOP. I DON’T HAVE TO WEAR THE HAT, YOU KNOW. I CAN JUGGLE WHILE I DANCE TOO. AND HUM. AND…
At this point, Mr. Lythgoe was seen to signal, very subliminally, for Mr. Archuleta to be returned to his seat.
Ms. Twysthan-Gentle was unable to decipher what his face enunciated as he sat down with a heavy thump. but she thought one of the words might have been ‘CONTENDER.’
The Pond thanks moron noodle for capturing the staredown.