Breaking News. David Archuleta’s Father And The Idol Producer. The Confrontation In Full.

In Westerns, actors say everything with their eyes.

In Western Los Angeles, innocent bystanders on the set of America’s most impassioned show are reading wicked thoughts into the ocular nuances darted by Jeff Archuleta, father of Little David.

Those glances, more Kalashnikov than dagger in nature, are wafting exclusively in the direction of Nigel Lythgoe, father of Diminishing American Idol.

Mr. Lythgoe committed a sin.

According to witnesses, he first began to tap his dirty shoes to the rhythm of one of David Cook’s somewhat croaky rehearsals.

Karacroacky, as one of my agents put it.

Mr. Archuleta, a man who has kept his favoritism discreetly concealed beneath a cap that one can only hope has received arid cleaning, believed that Mr. Lythgoe’s foot-tapping revealed favoritism.

Strangely, on this one occasion, Mr. Archuleta decided to express his feelings.

One who was there suggested that his face bore an uncanny resemblance to Naomi Campbell’s shortly before helping her assistant remember her chiropractor’s phone number.

By throwing her cellphone at her assistant’s head.

I have managed to obtain footage of their confrontation, taken by one of the Fox camerapersons during a commercial break in last Tuesday’s show.

And I have shown it to Merrill Twystham-Gentle, a renowned expert in facial expressions.

Here is her unexpurgated translation of what was communicated:

Jeff Archuleta: YOU’RE TAPPING YOUR FOOT TO DAVID COOK, YOU HEATHEN SOILBUCKET. THAT’S FAVORITISM.

Nigel Lythgoe: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, YOU TOTAL TOSSER?

Jeff Archuleta: I AM TALKING ABOUT YOUR FOOT TAPPING IN RHYTHM TO THAT TAWDRY DAUGHTRY. YOU DON’T WANT ME AND MY SON TO WIN. SO YOU’RE DOING EVERYTHING TO SABOTAGE US, YOU LIMEY LICENEST.

Nigel Lythgoe: HOW IS MY TAPPING FOOT SABOTAGING YOUR SON, YOU ARSEHOLE FROM HELLFIRE?

Jeff Archuleta: IT’S SENDING A SIGNAL TO EVERYONE THAT YOU LOVE HIS MUSIC MORE THAN DAVID’S.

Nigel Lythgoe: LOOK, YOU ORPHANED GOATHERD, I AM IN THE BUSINESS OF SELLING, RIGHT?

Jeff Archuleta: YOU’RE SELLING INIQUITOUS ROCK, THAT’S WHAT YOU’RE SELLING. YOUR CHAMPIONING OF THIS SCREAMING DEVIL-WORSHIP FORCED ME TO ALLOW MY DAVID TO LOWER HIMSELF TO SINGING WORDS LIKE “BOO” AND “BABY.” HOW CAN YOU DO THIS TO SUCH AN IMPRESSIONABLE BOY AND AN ANGEL OF THE LORD?

Nigel Lythgoe: LISTEN TO ME, YOU CELESTIAL SLIME. I AM NOT SELLING DAVID COOK. THE ONLY REASON I DON’T WANT YOUR BLOODY R2DAVID2 TO WIN IS BECAUSE HE’S GOT A NASTY LITTLE FUNDAMENTALIST MOSQUITO FOR A FATHER.

Jeff Archuleta: I RESENT THE WORD ‘LITTLE.’

Nigel Lythgoe: YOU ARE LITTLE. AND YOU’RE SMALL BLOODY MINDED TOO. DO YOU REALIZE THE SPECTACLE YOU ARE MAKING OF YOURSELF, YOU PATERFAMILIAS FROM PRICKVILLE? YOU ARE THE MOST HATED MAN IN AMERICA. EVEN COWELL HAS MADE HIMSELF MORE LIKEABLE THAN YOU. EVEN HAVE MY DINNER JACKET FROM IRAN WOULD GET MORE VOTES THAN YOU, YOU CURDLED BIRD-DROPPING.

Jeff Archuleta: I AM RISING, NOT DROPPING!!!! RISING WITH MY INCREDIBLY TALENTED SON.

Nigel Lythgoe: HE’S ABOUT AS TALENTED AS LITTLE JIMMY OSMOND. TALENT DOESN’T MATTER ALL THAT MUCH. IT’S HOW YOU SELL IT. AND RIGHT NOW MOST PEOPLE WHO VOTE FOR YOUR DAVID AREN’T LISTENING TO HIS SINGING. THEY WANT TO BLOODY ADOPT HIM. TO GET HIM AWAY FROM A TOSSPOT LIKE YOU.

Jeff Archuleta: YOU WILL BE DAMNED TO THE DEATH OF A THOUSAND HEAVENLY WATERBOARDINGS. YOU WILL BE TORN ASUNDER BY STALLIONS GALLOPING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS. YOU WILL BE STOMPED ON BY BIONIC BUFFALO AND YOUR FLESH WILL BE PICKED APART BY BATTERY-FARMED VULTURES AND AIDS-INFESTED LOCUSTS. YOUR BRAINS WILL BE FED TO THE DONKEYS AT SIX FLAGS. THIS WILL BE JUST AFTER MY SON’S FIRST ALBUM PRODUCED JOINTLY BY RANDY JACKSON AND MYSELF- RANDY HAS AGREED TO CONVERT- HAS SOLD MORE THAN ANY DRUG-FUELED BEATLES BLASPHEMY EVER DID.

Nigel Lythgoe: AND I WISH YOU THE LUCK OF A THOUSAND COUGARS IN A GAY BAR, DOGBREATH.

Jeff Archuleta: THANK YOU. THE COUGAR IS ONE OF GOD’S CHOSEN ANIMALS OF AGGRESSION. SO IF YOU’RE NOT SELLING DAVID COOK, WHAT ARE YOU SELLING?

Nigel Lythgoe: FINALLY, AN INTELLIGENT QUESTION. I TAP MY FEET FOR ONE REASON AND ONE REASON ONLY. ‘SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE’ STARTS NEXT WEEK. MY TAPPING IS WHAT WE IN THE BIZ CALL SUBLIMINAL ADVERTISING. YOU SHOULD TRY BEING SUBLIMINAL FOR A CHANGE, YOU RUSTY, DISCARDED FARM IMPLEMENT. YOU MIGHT FINALLY MAKE SOME BLOODY MONEY.

Jeff Archuleta: ‘SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE’? DAMN, I FORGOT. IS IT TOO LATE TO ENTER? IS THERE AN AGE LIMIT? EVERYONE SAYS I’M A GREAT DANCER. I CAN WALTZ. I CAN DO HIP-HOP. I DON’T HAVE TO WEAR THE HAT, YOU KNOW. I CAN JUGGLE WHILE I DANCE TOO. AND HUM. AND…

At this point, Mr. Lythgoe was seen to signal, very subliminally, for Mr. Archuleta to be returned to his seat.

Ms. Twysthan-Gentle was unable to decipher what his face enunciated as he sat down with a heavy thump. but she thought one of the words might have been ‘CONTENDER.’

The Pond thanks moron noodle for capturing the staredown.


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14 Comments

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14 responses to “Breaking News. David Archuleta’s Father And The Idol Producer. The Confrontation In Full.

  1. Tammy

    This site gives me the creeps. Get a life my friend. Better yet, get a real talent and an education.

  2. Judy C

    “Orphaned Goatherd?” I’m not sure that’s precisely an insult, as much as a tragedy and an unfortunate career choice, but whatever. I must have a copy of “Obscure Insults and Old English Name Calling” (toss pot? tosser?)which seems to be the handbook you’re referencing for this particular rant. Do you accept pay-pal?

    As I no longer follow AI I can’t comment much about the eroded Idol numbers and their parent’s shenanigans, but I must say the idea of 46 yr old Jeff Archuleta crumping away on SYTYCD and being judged by the anti-Christ, Nigel, while little David agressively coaches his dad from stage right is intriguing to say the least. I’m in!

  3. thespine11

    Oh, Tammy,

    You are, no doubt, so much better, more talented and more educated than the rest of us here.

    Perhaps you could tell us what it feels like.

    We, the beneath, would all love to know.

  4. thespine11

    We’d all love to know, wouldn’t we, Judy?

    How are you, petal? I love your idea of Little David coaching his behatted dad in So You Think You Can Dance.

    What do you think Tammy’s problem is?

    She seems to have the crabs. Although, for some reason, she calls it the creeps.

    Why do you think she feels I need talent and an education?

    She doesn’t know, does she?

  5. Judy C

    See? Who do you come to for explanations when some rude lady takes umbrage at your fanatsy rants? But it’s ok, whose your mama?

    I’m always surprised that you’re surprised when someone doesn’t get it. It’s not the creeps or even the crabs, it’s even worse, a most deadly affliction – no sense of humor! Those rabid David A fans are the worst too. Unless you bestow blessings and adulation on every single one of their idol’s antics (or parent’s antics) you are insulted and called names. But not really bad names, nor really inspired insults either. Tammy obviously has not yet purchased her own copy of “Obscure Insults and Old English Name Calling”.

    As to the other charges, go ahead and tell her, go on! OK, I can see you’re feeling shy so I’ll tell her “TAMMY! YO TAMMY! CLICK ON “ABOUT”! IT’S RIGHT UP TOP, RIGHT THERE ABOVE THE FROG’S LEFT EYE!” And even if the author did write it himself it’s very impressive none the less.

    How’s that? If your petal may be of further assistance please do hesitate to ask.

  6. Judy C

    See? Who do you come to for explanations when some rude lady takes umbrage at your fanatsy rants? But it’s ok, whose your mama?

    I’m always surprised that you’re surprised when someone doesn’t get it. It’s not the creeps or even the crabs, it’s even worse, a most deadly affliction – no sense of humor! Those rabid David A fans are the worst too. Unless you bestow blessings and adulation on every single one of their idol’s antics (or parent’s antics) you are insulted and called names. But not really bad names, nor really inspired insults either. Tammy obviously has not yet purchased her own copy of “Obscure Insults and Old English Name Calling”.

    As to the other charges, go ahead and tell her, go on! OK, I can see you’re feeling shy so I’ll tell her “TAMMY! YO TAMMY! CLICK ON “ABOUT”! IT’S RIGHT UP TOP, RIGHT THERE ABOVE THE FROG’S LEFT EYE!” And even if the author did write it himself it’s very impressive none the less.

    How’s that? If your petal may be of further assistance please do hesitate to ask.

  7. Judy C

    OOPS! I swear it’s this damn laptop double sending again. Sorry to take up valuable space.

  8. thespine11

    Judy,

    Thank you so much. Though I think ‘ABOUT’ is actually above my right eye, isn’t it?

    These people are so strange, it’s true.

    How can you go through life with such a humorless mien? I have no idea.

    Just imagine what they will do if Little David somehow loses.

    You are, indeed, by some revolutionary quirk of science, my mama.

    I do hope your day is bringing you some joy and laughter.

  9. Judy C

    Do you think she’s contrite now? Will she write an electronic apology? Let’s sit here together and wait.

    Well, yes, you and I and most of the world know that, but I was “dumbing down” my instructions by directing your pal to the Frog’s left eye, keeping it simple for her. I could almost hear her internal dialog (“huh?”)as she looked at the right side of her screen had I said “right eye”.

    Lotsa laughter today, thank you very much. The cat stole the kitty treats, ate them all, then hid the package under a sofa that has only about a 3″ clearance. So my daughter thinks he hid them there to avoid getting in trouble. heh heh. Cuz that’s what SHE would have done. I’m slightly bored but that kind of reasoning makes me happy.

    How’s the Frog today? I see no one else has verbally abused you so far – which is always a nice way to start off the week. Altho a little abuse does keep us on our toes. Ok, off to watch Hugh Laurie on Tivo doing a fairly good American accent. My goal each week when watching House is to catch him out reverting back to his native tongue, cuz God knows the plot is always the same and doesn’t hold my interest. But some of House’s insults are very good. Hey, we should direct Tammy to Dr. Greg House for insult instructions. Ok, enuf of this.

  10. thespine11

    Yes,

    Let’s wait. I feel her cogitations may take some time.

    The Frog is very bizarre today, I must admit. Strange things are happening.

    Now if I were to tell you that Hugh Laurie and I were educated at the very same establishment, would that excite you?

    Do you find him sort of hot? Oh, go on, admit it…

    I find myself very nonplused about this Idol thing.

    It will be forgotten very quickly.

    I was told today I am about to get access to 18 milllion readers. I’m not sure what to make of that.

    I’m not sure what to make of a lot of things, to be honest.

    But I will admit to hoping that Cookie wins.

    I mean, one can’t have R2David2 winning, can one?

    You sound like you’ve won in life already.

    I can’t imagine you being in California. You must let me know when you’re here..I need to warn the Mayor.

  11. Judy C

    How could I possibly think Hugh Laurie is hot? Remember who I think is beautiful? Jason Castro – do you see any resemblance between the two?

    OMG! Hugh is possibly the ugliest man alive. He has those Bassett Hound eyes and that gangly build – eck! However, like House, he’s hilarious, but unlike House he’s self deprecating and even a bit humble. He seems to be the only Brit who actually feels happy to be livng in the US. Well, other than Craig Ferguson who said the other night that he loves America cuz in Scotland they frown on happiness. Heh heh.

    So, actually you’re right, Hugh Laurie is hot, but certainly not hot looking. My 3 fav Brits are Hugh, Eddie Izzard and Craig Ferguson I’ve just decided. Oh, yes, and you, Frog. Which usually denotes a Frenchman so maybe I’ll go back to using Pond. God forbid I use you name. Christoper is it? My eldest son’s name. Christoper Colin in fact.

    Really, school chums with Hugh? Do not say Eton or Cambridge or I will be forced into some mocking of my own.

    Hmmm, who exactly is the Mayor of California? heh heh.

    Why can’t you imagine me in CA?? I come all the time, well, a couple times a year at least. Best buds and one relative live in San Diego, a nephew in Oxnard has a great place right on the ocean, and more relatives in San Jose and Weaverville. I love N.Cal around Eureka and the Trinity Alps. Also have pals in San Francisco. People in general are not nice there but the scenery more than compensates. We have no scenery in Texas you see.

    Are you afraid of 18 mil rabid readers? How will this happen? Even rickey.org can only boast 3 mil visitors. Is this strange possibility what is making you feel bizarre? I like bizarre, I am bizarre – it’s my natural state. But if this vast increase in readership comes to pass you will have to develop a thicker skin, Pond – cynics, mockers, and wits will all be welcomed I’m sure. But you’ll have to gird your loins against the Tammy’s of the world. The ones who just don’t get it, but know somehow that you’re poking fun, which enrages them so that they feel they must make personal attacks on you, ala Simon Cowell and a really fat singer. Anyway, congratulations!

    Oh for God’s sake! No one cares who wins AI except Rickey, 15 mil twelve yr olds and 5 mil grannies. Oh yes, and all the evil doers at Fox, of course. David Cook must win, otherwise baby David and his father, Idi, will self destruct taking (hopefully) Nigel, Randy, Paula, Simon and Ryan with them.

    Ya know, Idol winner Jordan Sparks was 17 too, but so much more mature and self reliant. I think that hybrid vigor makes for a stronger will. David A is totally dependent on the mad dad, I think. And, really, what kind of CD do you think a 46 yr old jazz musician and a 11 yr old crooner might come up with?

    Ok, time for cats and dogs and offspring wrangling.

  12. thespine11

    Judy,

    You will be relieved that I am not Eton. I am from the British equivalent of Compton or Watts.

    I feel, though, that you have more than one type of man with whom you prefer to canoodle.

    I feel confident that your husband is not a man of copious dreadlocks.

    And your taste in the Brits is very strong. Izzard is very funny. His standup act is hilarious. I haven’t really warmed to Ferguson yet, but he is very right about British attitudes to happiness.

    You have your poor son the second name Colin? Colin?

    All the Colins I knew were sad, spotty freaks.

    Poor little chap.

    Oh, but I do have a thick skin, really. Please don’t worry. I am more shocked at some people’s sheer moron qualities than I am ever going to be hurt by their Tamminess.

    Your analysis of Idol is, as always, accurate.

    I remain astonished that Rickey, whoever she is, gets 3 million visitors.

    Er, why?

  13. Judy C

    You know who Rickey is, you’ve already called me to task for telling the nerdy little hobbit that I like his AI blog, remember?

    What about Colin Farrell or Colin Firth? They are relatively spot free and appear happy on occasion. But in this case Colin is a family name like Judith (that’s me). Why do we do that to our children?

    Whew! (about the Eton thing), mocking is so draining as you’ve no doubt discovered. But I thought Eton was where you might have met the friend of Princess Diana’s second cousin’s sister you once dated.

    No dreads on Mr. Husband but he does have a decidedly Latin look to him, even tho he’s actually of French descent. And, given the head of hair on the guy he could easily “do such a do” if he were so inclined. Might not go over too well at the office tho.

    And you’re right, I have fairly diverse taste in men. But Hugh Laurie has no redeeming physical qualities that I can see, so no canoodling with him, as much as I know he wants it. Besides that lantern jaw of his would get in the way. But of course I am a sucker for the biting wit he seems to possess, so maybe we could just meet for tea at the British Emporium in Grapevine under the sign that reads “Biting Wit Area Only – No Canoodling Allowed”.

    Why didn’t you live across the street or attend university with Eddie Izzard? Now that would have impressed me. And you and your girlfriend both could have borrowed his clothes.

    Well, yes, but it’s the sheer numbers I refer to, there could be millions of Tammys among your 18 mil new fans, talk about being pecked to death by geese! And you’ll have to give up answering each comment too, and you know that’s the fun part.

    So, how did the Davids do tonight? Unless David Cook wet himself on stage or forced Little David to watch porn with Ryan Seacrest while wearing a thong, I don’t see how he could lose. But I will wait paitently for your next post revealing all the gory details. And, in spite of my vow not to watch, I am setting my Tivo for tomorrow night’s AI finale extravaganza so I will once again be able to offer eye witness comments on Thursday.

  14. thespine11

    Ah, yes, Judy.

    It must be the middle of the night where you are. Just the time you begin to suck blood while your husband sleeps in oblivion.

    Yes, you did mention Rickey. What can one say? It’s not literature, is it?

    You give children family names? How cruel.

    Your poor husband has to go to an office? I am so sorry.

    Do you have to have his whiskey waiting for him when he comes home from a day selling insurance?

    Ah, no. The Princess Diana relation I met while working. The Princess was not fond of me. She banned me from her birthday party.

    Fairly diverse taste in men? I assumed you were chaste when you married.

    My verdict on tonight’s excrescence is already up. Cookie was truly poor. In a competitive sense, you understand.

    I trust you did watch.

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