Exclusive. Jason Castro Speaks After The American Idol Finale.

His hair looking refreshingly sheenful, his smile as dazzling as a card trick to a four-year-old, Jason Castro expounded at some length (for him) about the American Idol Finale that the whole nation just enjoyed:

“It was cool. The outfits were cool. I hung around with my buds. Yeah, it was great.”

Then he paused, stared hard into the Pond’s ripples and said: “Who am I trying to kid, man? I have got so good at saying nothing that I’ve forgotten what it actually felt like to say something. Anything. See, you go on a show like this and you really don’t know just how much it’s going to affect you.

It’s like the first time you sniff a girl’s neck, you know. Or, you know, some other parts. I mean, you think it’s going to be nothing. And then, WHOA! You’re not the same again. I hope I’ll be the same again. Some time.

I like grits more than I like Andrew Lloyd Webber. It was like being talked to by the Queen of England. Which, for all I know, he is. I thought it was Elton John, but these things change, don’t they? Does she have a colostomy bag, by the way? Or was that her Mom?

I mean, Lloyd Webber talked to me like I was a worm. Do people talk to worms? No, they just tread on them. And all he wanted to do was tread on me. Like a worm. He talked to me like I was a rock. From a box.

And I really wanted Cookie to win. Because Archie, well, you know. That hat his Dad wears. That is not cool. You should not wear that kind of hat. Not even Dr. Seuss wore that kind of hat. And he was a doctor.

See, there I go again. Trying to say nothing. Because the media want something. And I don’t want the media to have my something. And other than my something, I got nothing, So they get nothing. Does that make me nothing? Or something? Or something else?

You see, American Idol turns some people into philosophers. I mean, what were we supposed to get from this Final? Sorry, FIN-AH-LE? Cookie got to sing with ZZTop, Archie got to sing with One Republic. Syesha got to sing with Seal. And I got to sing with a stool.

What are they trying to tell the world? And what are they trying to tell me? That I’m not worth singing with someone famous? That I’m only cool for stool?

See, life is short and the world is rough and if you wanna boogie, boy, you gotta get tough. Hell, that wheatgrass was strong. No, wait. I want you to understand this. The producers wanted someone cool to win. See, American Idol had become so not cool.

So really it was between me and Cookie. Because we were the only two cool ones, right? Because Archie and cool, well, that’s like spaghetti and lightbulbs, you know? Ever eaten that? Not cool.

Well, if I’m really honest, I’m cooler than Cookie. You know, he could lose a few pounds. And the nose is a bit crooked. But he sings better than me. I know that.

And did you see Fantasia yesterday, driving herself home in a little blue Toyota, while Carrie Underwood got a limo?

I don’t ever want to be in a position where I’m missing my limo. I’m never gonna want a limo. That way I won’t miss mine.

I’m going on this Tour now. Singing the same songs every night. Boston. Kansas. Why did they name so many cities after bands?

Anyways, I’ve had enough of talking. Time to sing. Time to write songs. Cool songs.

I just saw some posters they were preparing for the Miami gig.

They said: “Castro invades Florida.” Cool or what?

I’m going to the party now. It’ll be cool. I’ll be cool. You gotta stay in cool, kids. OK?”

And with that he was dashing for the exit, determined not to be idolized, determined to have nothing left to say and knowing that he had kept his cool, when, all around him, everyone had lost theirs.

The Pond thanks Circo De Invierno for fulfilling her vow of silence.


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14 Comments

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14 responses to “Exclusive. Jason Castro Speaks After The American Idol Finale.

  1. Judy C

    I’m not backing down Pond, the show was really good tonight, mostly. The best part of course was that David Cook won. I know you taped it, watch the whole thing. Well you can skip the Jonas Brothers and the Jordan Sparks part.

    Thankfully Graham Nash will be off annoying Steven Stills or getting a hip replacement and won’t be in the Dallas show, and Ryan and his giant white teeth will not be there either, so far so good. Of course Syesha,Ramilee and Cristy Lee will be there but we can take that opportunity to go to the restroom or step outside for a smoke even tho none of us actually smokes. We can still get fairly good tickets for around $200. Not that bad when you consider the Jersey Boys tickets are nearly $500. It’ll be very campy.

    Now Pond, following is one of my rants:
    you mock the lovely Jason, and you’re very funny as usual. Once again I laughed out loud. (Stay in cool – heh heh.) See, I get it. But lets chat a moment or two about the Jason issue, shall we?

    We do constantly complain that AI is a giant entertainment packaging process, right? They take the kids and change ’em up, fix their hair, make-up and clothes, and show ’em how to move and sing, tell ’em what to say and do, and soon they’re all alike. We complain bitterly about the processed AI output, which is not so much a unique talent as a compiled idea of what Nigel and company THINK is unique .

    Next, the winner is sent into the studio to record cheesey and totally unoriginal crap that sounds more like a Kodak commercial track. Mostly they fail, cuz they aren’t original, they all sound a little like a young Mirah or Justin, altho a few do slip thru the cracks and carve out a career.

    Just once, just one single time we whine, can’t we have an original talent? A kid who doesn’t comform, who doesn’t look, sound, smell, smile and talk exactly like all the others, or sorta like some artist already out there? Maybe someone who doesn’t fit the rocker dude or the down home country singer or blues singer mold. We long for fresh, artsy, odd, someone who hasn’t had a recording contract before, one who hasn’t been around the industry for years but never made it big, maybe someone who isn’t slick and packaged nor knows what to say nor how to say it. One whose parents aren’t in the business and are desperate for some success thru their kid.

    Maybe just once we coule have a contestant fresh from the sticks who writes his own music, plays guitar and doesn’t sound like the guy on the voice lesson tapes. I mean isn’t that what AI is supposed to be about? Finding fresh, unknown, unusual talent? But, forget it, no one like that exists.

    But wait, lookie here! check out this guy, he looks strange and he’s singing old Jeff Buckley and Bruddah Iz covers in a soft and earnest way, what the hell???? And look at that, he has a gigantic head full of dreads too. And he’s never sung in public before nor had a single lesson nor knows what to say when an interviewer asks, “So how old were you when you lost your virginity?”

    Wait, could it be exactly what we’ve been clamoring for these past 7 years? Could Jason Castrol be a true original??? We must celebrate, our prayers are answered!

    Yet, we’re not happy. We complain because the non comformist doesn’t conform. We’re mad cuz he wants to get a way from the evil AI machine. We’re actually irate that he has come to feel about AI exactly the way we feel. We’re so damn hard to please.

  2. thespine11

    200 bucks? you are kidding me.

    Now I do appreciate your rant. Of course, as always, you are right.

    But I came not to bury Jason, but to praise him. I think he was the only one who left as he arrived.

    That is a considerable achievement in the face of what you describe.

    We are hard to please, it’s true. I am guilty of this.

    Guilty.

    Oh, and I wrote this specifically for Dashing 4 as part of my deal with her. Did you not notice the dashing for the exit part…?

  3. Judy C

    I wouldn’t kid you, Pond. Well, I would, but I’m not in this case. AI ticket prices range from $85 (nosebleed section) to $1,500 (nose hair viewing section). $200 will get you center floor seats.

    I noticed, but didn’t connect it to your Dashing fan. Did WE have any deals? I’m still awake from yesterday’s noon rising so I’m not remembering clearly due to sleep deprivation. But I seem to recall you promising to buy me a ticket to the Idol tour show if Jason Castro lasted past elimination number 12. But then that could have been a dream, if only I ever slept.

    Meanwhile, I would love to get you to admit what I believe to be true with regards to your Jason rant: that the main issue you and lots of other guys have with Jason is not his easy come, easy go attitude, lack of effort nor lack of talent, but the reaction of the ladies to him.

    In discussions last night during which all 4 females gushed over Jason while the guys had little if anything good to say about him, we heard this phrase for the first time: “pretty boy syndrome”. The guys finally admitted (under duress) that if Jason was a little less easy on the eyes they might like him more. So, are you big enuf to own up to just a teensey bit of the green-eye? After all, we girls freely admit we’d like to slap Cristy Lee Cook.

    I agree with the bone you threw about Jason leaving as he arrived. No mean feat I think.

    Ok, must go reprogram my Tivo for SYTYCD, then take a short nap.

  4. zeynepankara

    Ouch!

  5. Scott S

    This was, like, so cool and funny.

  6. thespine11

    Zeyne,

    Hello. Ouch? Nooo. This is a post of admiration.

    He came. He was sawed. He stayed the same.

  7. thespine11

    Scott,

    Welcome. If but one titter comes to you during a visit to the Pond, then I am grateful.

    Stay cool, no fool.

  8. Erika

    Delighted to find something to read that made me laugh out loud. Enjoyed Judy’s comments also and love “spot.com”. Are you guys having a virtual relationship? Not you and spot.com, you and the author of these very humorous articles? Is “articles” the correct internet jargon? word for Judy, did you just happen on “Pond Culture” via another thread? So what will the topic be now that American Idol is over and can I be a Pond Culture groupie? Well, Stewie, et al. is on. Stewie is my idol!!!

  9. Erika

    Oops, should have read the above before I hit “submit”…bit confusing there. Oh well, you know what I mean…

  10. thespine11

    Erika,

    Stewie? Rod Stewie? You’ll have to enlighten me.

    So glad you’re still laughing. Is there a lot of that in North Carolina?

  11. thespine11

    Sammy,

    Welcome to the Pond. Such kind words.

    I am not used to such heady passion.

    I will have to lie back on my lilypond now and think of, oh, I don’t know, France.

  12. Judy C

    Two interesting questions put to you by Erika, Pond. ARE you and Spot.com having a fling? He’s under age ya know.

    And, who or what WILL you poke fun at now that Idol is over?

    Here’s a question from me, Pond: did you read Joanne Light’s article in Rolling Stone about Jason Castro? See if you can find it and let me know what you think.

    To Erika: Another Idol blog posted the Pond link. Can’t recall which one, it’s been awhile.

  13. Erika

    Rod Stewie? Nope, the one and only Stewie from Family Guy. Maybe I should clarify and say that his writer is my idol. Such a bizarre concept and incredibly funny, to me anyway. Did I miss your entry today? I will have to rummage around here and make sure I’ve read all. Rushing out to dinner so I can get back and watch my other idol, David Archuleta, on Larry King tonight. Don’t be so hard on him. He has handled himself with real class and humility and in his “why me” generation, that is so rare. Credit where credit is due, eh?

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