Why others should follow Clay Aiken’s example.

I am touched and moved to hear the merest rumor that Clay Aiken has asserted his manhood and given his fifty-year-old best friend and producer, Jaymes Foster (Jaymes is a she) the benefit of his reproductive Farfisa.

Who could question that Mr. Aiken will make a caring and thoughtful father?

It is very difficult for women of a certain age- say, 24- to find an appropriate partner for the purpose of nurturing new people.

So I thought I might make a few suggestions to women who are perhaps concerned that they will never be reproductively fortunate.

Jennifer Aniston strikes me as someone who is bursting to commence family life. Unfortunately, she seems not to have befriended those with whom this might be possible.

I can think of no more glamorous couple, and certainly no more talented, than Ms. Aniston and George Michael.

I will avoid any direct reference to the word “Wham’, while insisting that “Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go” might take on an everyday role in the life of the Michael-Aniston household.

It would become a song that symbolized the male’s willingness to feed the baby in the smallest hours of the morning.

While “Club Tropicana” might just signal to everyone the place where conception was achieved.

Jessica Simpson is another who, one feels, deep inside is ready to commit herself to the mother of all families.

Perhaps, then, she might avail herself of the biochemistry of America’s great survivor, Richard Hatch.

Hatch has proved himself to be very much a man’s man. And I can think of no greater specimen to be paired with the somewhat delicate and easily-rebuffed Ms. Simpson.

Why settle for the likes of Nick Lachey or John Mayer when you can give birth with a man who enjoys eating worms and being naked?

Of course, there are a couple of small logistical hurdles to be maneuvered. Mr. Hatch is currently in jail, having failed to pay his taxes.

But he is due to be released in October 2009, so a little forward planning would ensure a smooth transition from the purgatory of incarceration to the heaven that is the Simpson Clan.

What of Katie Couric, who surely has so much mothering left in her? Might we succeed in pairing her up with Boy George?

Her immense articulate talents would surely meld harmoniously with Boy George’s more flamboyant hair and makeup to produce, perhaps, one of the great televisual stars of the future.

If she thought Boy George too controversial, then surely another excellent match would be Elton John.

We have, frankly, been deprived of the ability to enjoy any offspring from one of the world’s great troubadours, so perhaps a hearty arrangement with Ms. Couric might truly create a multi-dimensional (if a little stocky) talent for the ages.

And what can we do for Joan Rivers?

Nothing, I’m afraid. Nothing at all. Unless Senator Larry Craig feels he can help.

The Pond thanks Ayala Moriel for bottling up her feelings.

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4 Comments

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4 responses to “Why others should follow Clay Aiken’s example.

  1. Judy C

    Back from the Villa and my excellent veal. So, of course I need to check on you and see what you’ve come up with as our topic of the evening.

    Somehow I knew you’d agree with me about the newsworthiness of Clay’s latest shenanigans. Did you, as I urged your anti-fans, get your facts from TMZ? They are so happy over at TMZ tonight, by the way. Rarely do they get the chance to report such a bizarre story with the added attraction of actually being true.

    But Pond, don’t you think Jessica and George Michael would be a better fit, logistically speaking? They both wear huge sunglasses, and they also both have very close ties with persons in Dallas. They are often here at the same time, even seen simultaneously at the Ghost Bar from time to time. And they could try to convince the Ghost management to allow the actual process to take place right there in the bar. Just think, a dirty martini and a baby created simultaneously.

    Then Jennifer A could take on Richard Hatch instead. I’m sure Dick won’t mind a few more years and a few more inches around the ankles.

    You can help Joan Rivers! What about Eddie Izzard as Joan’s donor? He fits the criteria nicely, plus they can share haute couture. Oh the possibilities are endless! Rupert Everet and Cameron Diaz, Sienna Miller and George Takai. Isn’t this fun?

  2. thespine11

    The Villa? Where I come from, that is a football team.

    Incidentally, now owned by an American, who also seems to own the Cleveland Browns.

    My facts? What do you mean, my facts? My facts come from the factosphere.

    The Ghost Bar? Why would George Michael fly to Dallas? Is the plastic surgery good there?

    And how much have you had, Judy?

    Now listen, you seem not to have quite grasped this. Eddie Izzard is straight. He simply likes to wear ladies clothing. As do most men educated in public schools.

    I thought you would know this.

    Rupert Everett certainly should not be allowed to play.

    He debased himself with that Madonna flirtation.

    Have you noticed how many of the gay male suggestions are English?

    Weird, huh? Or not?

    And what of the rest of the weekend for you?

  3. Judy C

    Matter of fact, yes, the plastic surgery is very good here. But George’s partner lives here, ya see. George is in and out all the time, so to speak.

    There’s very little I don’t grasp Pond, if I do say so myself – I’m very grasping. The general impression here is that Eddie’s gay, how could people think otherwise given his apparel preferences, and most have never seen his stand up (or walk about) routine, why does he pace so? to show off his ability to walk in high heels? Anyway, I’m sure even Joan Rivers thinks he’s gay. I’ll rephrase: He meets most of the criteria – better?

    You will allow Rupert to play, I like him. He’s an ideal gay.

    I think the ratio of gay to straight is probably about the same in every country, isn’t it? Sorta like left handedness? Never really thought much about it tho.

    Ok, I’m going to sleep now and will probably dream about The Village People. Could be worse I guess, could dream about The Retirement Village People.

  4. thespine11

    Sort of like left-handedness? Indeed.

    You don’t need to dream about the Retirement Village People, Judy.

    You just need to look out of the window.

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