I am touched and moved to hear the merest rumor that Clay Aiken has asserted his manhood and given his fifty-year-old best friend and producer, Jaymes Foster (Jaymes is a she) the benefit of his reproductive Farfisa.
Who could question that Mr. Aiken will make a caring and thoughtful father?
It is very difficult for women of a certain age- say, 24- to find an appropriate partner for the purpose of nurturing new people.
So I thought I might make a few suggestions to women who are perhaps concerned that they will never be reproductively fortunate.
Jennifer Aniston strikes me as someone who is bursting to commence family life. Unfortunately, she seems not to have befriended those with whom this might be possible.
I can think of no more glamorous couple, and certainly no more talented, than Ms. Aniston and George Michael.
I will avoid any direct reference to the word “Wham’, while insisting that “Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go” might take on an everyday role in the life of the Michael-Aniston household.
It would become a song that symbolized the male’s willingness to feed the baby in the smallest hours of the morning.
While “Club Tropicana” might just signal to everyone the place where conception was achieved.
Jessica Simpson is another who, one feels, deep inside is ready to commit herself to the mother of all families.
Perhaps, then, she might avail herself of the biochemistry of America’s great survivor, Richard Hatch.
Hatch has proved himself to be very much a man’s man. And I can think of no greater specimen to be paired with the somewhat delicate and easily-rebuffed Ms. Simpson.
Why settle for the likes of Nick Lachey or John Mayer when you can give birth with a man who enjoys eating worms and being naked?
Of course, there are a couple of small logistical hurdles to be maneuvered. Mr. Hatch is currently in jail, having failed to pay his taxes.
But he is due to be released in October 2009, so a little forward planning would ensure a smooth transition from the purgatory of incarceration to the heaven that is the Simpson Clan.
What of Katie Couric, who surely has so much mothering left in her? Might we succeed in pairing her up with Boy George?
Her immense articulate talents would surely meld harmoniously with Boy George’s more flamboyant hair and makeup to produce, perhaps, one of the great televisual stars of the future.
If she thought Boy George too controversial, then surely another excellent match would be Elton John.
We have, frankly, been deprived of the ability to enjoy any offspring from one of the world’s great troubadours, so perhaps a hearty arrangement with Ms. Couric might truly create a multi-dimensional (if a little stocky) talent for the ages.
And what can we do for Joan Rivers?
Nothing, I’m afraid. Nothing at all. Unless Senator Larry Craig feels he can help.
The Pond thanks Ayala Moriel for bottling up her feelings.